Thursday, May 13, 2004

Van.. Hell... zing...

Van Helsing, by Kevin RyanThe Filthy Critic has posted a priceless review of the new movie Van Helsing. Enjoy it for the obscene language. Revel in the outrageous metaphor. Hell, just read it.

What a f**king turd. F**k you, Hollywood. How the f**k can you release something so soulless, witless and pointless? How f**king greedy do you need to be?

Van Helsing is as crappy, loud and stupid as the Harelip at the Arvada City Hall Open House's free hot dog barbecue. It's all disorienting squealing and howling and shoving hands down uneasy city firefighters' pants.

Van Helsing is the kind of movie that people who hate movies make. It's not a good movie, it's not even a bad one that somebody cares about. It's just a steaming pile of s**t, a mass-marketing stunt dressed up like entertainment. It'll be a blockbuster, but no for reason other than sheer force of will and heavy marketing that keeps telling us it's an event. If this is an event, so is the time I ate too many sulfites at the Soup Plantation and sat on the can wringing my bowels like a handtowel...

Van Helsing - The Filthy Critic

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