Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Letters to the Editor

Memorial Day - a NovelI've been crushed under a heavy workload and haven't been able to publish the many letters I receive regarding my blog. Here are a select few letters, which are pretty much representative of what I receive on a daily basis.

Dear Mr. Ross,

We wanted to point out an error in one of your recent blog entries. In fact, we do NOT recommend that our water-beds be filled with "Cheese Whiz [tm] to enhance the experience". In fact, filling our water-beds with any substance except water is almost surely a health and safety risk.

Yours in good hygiene,

Harley Posnucket, President
Harley's Discount Water-beds

Dear Mr. Ross,

Thank you very much for your recent contribution to our campaign^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hindependent organization. While a $5 gift certificate to Waffle House is certainly appreciated by my staffers, in the future please remember that nothing perks up a candidate like a stack of crisp, unmarked greenbacks.

Very truly yours,

George Sorros

Dear Sirs,

For years you and your cohorts have been giggling and chortling as you flagrantly mispronounce the name of our planet. For this reason, we hereby officially change its name to "Planet Sphincter". Please make a note of it.

Very truly yours,

The Citizens of the Planet Uranus
Planet Uranus
Outer Reaches of the Solar System

Dear Mr. Ross,

For the record, I take umbrage at your portrayal of me as a "big fat Republican". New flash: I've been on the Atkins diet for well over four days now and have lost upwards of six pounds.


Michael Moore
New York City, New York

Dear Sirs,

We take exception to your oft-stated claim that "trial lawyers are trying to bankrupt" legitimate industries such as restaurants, firearm manufacturers, and dating services.

As a point of fact, our particular firm is responsible for bankrupting a whole host of companies in other industries as well, whether or not they deserve the legal burden we impose upon them. Why can't we greatly enrich ourselves at the expense of some deep-pocketed corporate fiefdoms? I mean, isn't that what capitalism is all about? Isn't that what makes America great?

Well, I for one, will not stand here idly while you bad-mouth the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Timothy Budnesrk, Esq.
Budnesrk, Bramble, Thornwood LLC
Driving behind an ambulance
Somewhere in Ohio

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