Curmudgeonly & Skeptical offers this quick 'n' easy instruction sheet.
HOW TO INSTALL THE NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots
2. Place them on your front porch along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duknd Se alim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.'
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'