According to
DefenseOne, Prezident Obama's awesome homeland security apparatus
will soon announce its new terrorism alert system.

The announcement comes just days after 14 innocents were slaughtered in California by two Islamist terrorists who had pledged allegiance to ISIS and about a month after an Islamist terror assault in Paris that left 130 civilians dead.
You may also recall that one of President Obama's first acts in 2008 was to eradicate a color-coded terrorism threat-level system that had been put in place after the 9/11 attacks.
In a scoop of epic proportions, however, we're pleased to announce that our summer intern,
Biff Spackle, has secured the first copy of the new alert system: