Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Breaking: Obama agrees to a bailout of the New York Times


Only hours after Mediapost reported that The New York Times had a negative net worth, President-Elect Barack Obama announced a $5 billion bailout rescue package for the media concern. In a hastily arranged press conference at the newly constructed Office of the President-Elect, Obama noted the importance of the Times' ability to influence public opinion.

"It's not overstating things to say that I owe my presidency to the New York Times," he stated in his perfectly pitched, baritone voice. His hand smoothed a crease in his tailor-made Canali suit, which was precisely matched with a cream Ike Behar shirt and baby blue tie. "The Times' prowess at non-investigation and their matchless creativity related to John and Cindy McCain stories were, no doubt, critical to the process."

"Losing the Times would be like losing a father or, in my case, a preacher. Therefore, I'm happy to announce that the Federal Government will be writing Bill Keller a check for $5 billion dollars to keep the Times afloat for at least another four years."

The press conference was briefly marred by Maureen Dowd fainting and Paul Krugman experiencing "a thrill going up my leg."

Hat tip: Larry. Linked by: Mitchell Langbert. Thanks!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Be the first on your block with the Electra for America blidget!


Many readers have asked, nay begged, for an Electra for America blog widget ("blidget"). With a staff of eleven working nights and weekends for well over five minutes, we can happily report the official availability of said blidget.

Want to install one on your blog?

Just copy the following code to help support the lovely Carmen Electra for the office of President in 2016.

Teh Epic Fail








All of this crap courtesy of Failblog and Chrissie.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

I'm not sayin', but I'm just sayin'...


Ben B. sent this one in.

Didja check out the Illinois state lottery on Wednesday?

November 5th... 666

Check it out for yourselves on Illinois' state lottery website.

http://www.illinoislottery.com/numbers.asp

This could explain why those four hooded dudes on horses are riding through my subdivision carrying sickles.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Spotted in a doctor's office


Chris sent this one in.

Contact your electrician immediately if the light stays on longer than 4 hours or if it becomes painfully bright.

Some motivation for the troops


W sends this reminder to get out and vote.

Immense turnout for this election is good for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Put it to the crypto-Marxists.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Redneck Fire Alarm


From Papa B.

We actually had one of these in our double-wide when I was growing up.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The two-story outhouse


Papa B sent this one in with a caption:

"Doesn't this say it all?"

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Investment advice


K sent this one in.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Some of us get about 8 miles a gallon.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Okay, football fans: choose the play of the game


Papa B sent this one in.

A. Toomer hauls in a 38 yard prayer from Manning in the first half:



B. Plexico Burress hauls in the game winning TD with under a minute to go:



C. Bambi MacAfee signals for a left turn during the pregame show:



You got it. Papa B ain't exactly PC.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The new favicon is here! The new favicon is here!


Yep, I got me a new, shiny thingamabob called a "favicon". It's that high-techie little rectangle in the address bar.

Thanks to Dave S. for the suggestion, the prototype and the link to FavIconGenerator. Blogger users can also take advantage of the free FavIcon Labs, which will do double-duty by hosting the icons for you.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Why Mom drinks


DW sent this one in.

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...

Mom - she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Jon

P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

Thursday, October 09, 2008

The new carpets are here! The new carpets are here!


Nothing says "classy new carpets" like a 35-year old Chevrolet El Camino pulling up in front of your house...

And two men get out, flicking their still-lit cigarettes into the street...

And dispatch the cords constraining the rolls of carpet with well-oiled switchblades.

Top drawer!

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Exclusive Photos: Iranian Revolutionary Guards' terrifying new weapons


Undercover operative Deep Spackle emailed us these pictures from an undisclosed location in Iran.

His Mullah's Ship (HMS) Jihad of Love, Iran's first nuclear aircraft carrier, embarks on a test voyage in the Strait of Hormuz.

HMS Martyred Teddy Bear, a guided missile cruiser, docks in a special slip at the military port of Bander-e Lengeh.

A squadron of Mahdi-15 Fighter-Bombers flies over Tehran.

High-powered Nuclear Suicide-belt cargo planes carry advanced weapons to a secret location.

A top secret photograph of the much-feared, experimental Ayatollah of Rockenrollah battle tank.

Revolutionary Guards Special Operations Commando Ranger demonstrates the Donkey of Doom Personal Killing Tank.

Terrifying!

Yep, I know this is a retread post from July. A full refund is available at the door.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Depressed


DC sent this one in.

I was so depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Email Warning!


Papa B sent this one in.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

No one ever said Papa B was politically correct.

Spy photo: Bill Clinton holding hands with mystery woman


This photo was actually taken by TMZ a couple of months ago and then reprinted by the Edmonton Sun. I'm a bit late 'cuz I don't exactly follow the gossip papers.

While leaving a $200 - $500 a ticket speaking engagement in Canada on Friday, the Edmonton Sun caught Bill Clinton holding hands with an unidentified woman.

It's good to be an ex-President for whom the "100-mile rule" is always in effect.