Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Sunday, December 07, 2008

If you're afraid of heights, don't visit these tourist venues


The skywalk at the Grand Canyon...




This amusement park in Las Vegas...







This tennis court in Dubai...




Ad o' the day: At the riverhead...


Tender and delicious.

Click the picture to watch.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Always check your child's homework


Mommy actually works at Home Depot. And she was selling a shovel. Pervert.

Hat tip: Dave.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Bell & Ross: Watcha Watcha Watcha Want


Bell & Ross (no relation) just introduced its new gold collection.

These look slicker than a pig coated with Wesson oil.

I must be an old codger since I like watches.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Heaviest Element Known to Science Discovered


Papa B sent this one in.

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science

The new element, *Governmentium (Gv)* has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are *held together by forces called morons*, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each *reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.*

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as *critical mor ass*.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes *Administratium*, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Turbo Encabulators


It is of paramount importance that you watch this video now.

That is, if you're at all interested in bringing perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a transmission that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal gram meters. Such an instrument is the turbo encabulator.

Hat tip: David W.

Bumpersticker o' the year


Chrissie sent this one in.

Our hands down winner for 2008.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Why some men have dogs and not wives


Ben sent this one in.

Why some men have dogs and not wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Deep Thoughts by Bill Ayers


• Does the Terrorists' Union threaten to stop car-bombing when they go on strike?

• Some very sharp financial minds think that Citigroup is a "screaming buy". Seriously.

• Who tests urine recycling machines?

• Rochelle Riley of The Detroit Free Press says that Democrats should push for Bush's impeachment now -- for the economy's sake. In unrelated news, the Union of Unhinged Leftie Journalists announced its op-ed winner for 2008.

• Tomorrow's headlines today: Somali Pirates Hold 'Black Friday' Sale of Captured Goods

• Could we solve most problems in inner cities by making it cool to be smart?

• It strikes me that Donny Osmond would make an excellent James Bond.

• Robert Byrd actually had the title of "Exalted Cyclops" as a Klan leader. It was a promotion from Grand Kleagle.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Important Holiday Messages


The American Thinker's Richard Baehr emails us this picture, which he describes as follows.

Artist's Rendering of Greenwich, Connecticut in 2012



Don Surber offers this important holiday message.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Six Degrees of Operation Overlord


Tigerhawk Teenager came up with a new game.

Six Degrees of Hitler

Here is the task set before you:

1) Go to Wikipedia.
2) Click any random link on there.
3) You have five clicks to reach Hitler's article.

GO!

UPDATE: Forgot to mention varying levels of difficulty.

Easy Mode: Any links

Nightmare Mode: No Country Links

Hell Mode: No Country or Date links.

Fully prepared to sue: Kevin Bacon's mom.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Diamond in the rough


Back in the seventies, when I was a kid, my Dad used to take my brother and I on baseball trips. We would visit Cincinnati, the closest big league city to our tiny town. It was about a three hour drive, but worth every minute.

At that time the Reds were the dominant team, as powerful as any club that ever donned uniforms. The Big Red Machine, as they were known, won a couple of World Championships in a row including a sweep of Billy Martin's Yankees in '76. The '75 team had a streak where they went 41 and 9, which could be the best 50 game record in history.

If time permitted, we'd take side-trips to baseball shows. Now, back in the seventies, the baseball show business wasn't nearly the production it is today. In those days a bunch of card-sellers would rent out a Holiday Inn banquet room, set up some tables, and sell whatever memorabilia they could get their hands on. There weren't any celebrities or former athletes at these venues. It was just for collectors and, at that, mostly card collectors.

My brother and I were paper boys at the time and and we took the 30 or 40 bucks we'd saved up to find some gems. Because the good cards were too expensive for us -- even then a nice Mantle card probably cost a hundred bucks -- we'd find other stuff to buy.

For that reason we gravitated toward baseball books. The old Who's Who in Baseball, which listed all of the active players each year. The Baseball Record Books, published by the Sporting News. And the (now) humorously named Baseball Dope Books, which had all sorts of information on every club in professional baseball, even the minor leagues.

In those days I might spend as much as seven bucks on a book, although that was rare. I think one of my seven dollar purchases went to secure a 1934 Record Book, a tiny little pocket-sized thing in excellent condition.

I also found some interesting old books from the early twentieth century like the Baseball Cyclopedia (the first encyclopedia of baseball, supposedly). The oldest one of those I have is from 1909.


Hall-of-Famer Joe Medwick

Anyhow, we found the gem of all gems in maybe '73. My Dad liked the old Who's Who editions from the thirties and forties. If I recall, he needed a 1937 to round out his collection. We finally located one at a show held at the Holiday Inn in Sharonville, Ohio. I think I actually found it. It was crammed into a pile of musty programs, scorecards, guides and such in a godforsaken corner of the "show".


Hall-of-Famer Gabby Hartnett

My Dad offered three bucks for it. The dealer asked for seven. He said that if you opened up the book to the first -- inside cover -- page, there were a couple of no-name autographs in it. Sure enough, a couple of guys I'd never heard of had scrawled their names on the inside cover. I think they finally settled on five bucks and we threw the book into a bag with the rest of our purchases.


World Series Hero Pepper Martin

At some point later we were lolling around the hotel room, my Dad snoring with his fingers laced and the TV droning. I grabbed the '37 Who's Who and started flipping through the pages.


Hall-of-Famer Carl "The Meal Ticket" Hubbell

Hey, there was another autograph on one of the inside pages. And another! Then a couple of more. Three and four on some pages. They were scattered throughout the book like pebbles kicked onto a sidewalk. In random places with Hall of Famers and scrubs alike.


Hall-of-Famer Joe Cronin

All told there were roughly 110 autographs including a couple that are, to this day, unrecognizable.

Near as we could tell, the book was owned by a kid -- we think in Chicago -- who took it to a bunch of home games. He would stand by the visitor dugout and yell for autographs before the game. Players and managers alike would oblige, sometimes in the right place (over their picture), sometimes anywhere in the book.

It's a veritable treasure trove of National League autographs from that era.

What's it worth? No idea, but the story is priceless.


Hall-of-Famer Mickey Cochrane

My Dad's bringing the book into town for his visit this Thanksgiving and we'll check it out, reminisce and then toss it into the fireplace, kinda like Rose throwing the Heart of the Ocean away in Titanic.

Just kidding. We won't be throwing it into the fireplace. It's a keeper.

I've included some crappy scans that were faxed to me a while back. When my Dad comes up I'll try to get some better copies. In the meantime, imagine the musty smell and the joy of a little kid finding a book with history literally etched into its yellowing pages.

A typed list of autographs found in the book



And then the fight started


Papa B sent this one in.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started.



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.

Well, no one ever said Papa B was politically correct.

Amazing true animal story


Bernie says this is a true story.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

I think Bernie was lying.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Rewind seven years...


On 9/12/2001 if someone had told you that by the end of 2008:

• There'd have been nary a single terrorist attack inside the U.S...

• A man with the middle name of Hussein would have been elected President of the United States...

• Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac would be bankrupt; and Citibank would be trading at $3 a share...

• An undersea earthquake would kill nearly a quarter of a million people...

• The Clinton administration would be back in power...

• The Saudi Arabian Navy would have joined forces with NATO...

• The entire planet would be suffering through a catastrophic cooling cycle...

• An SNL comedian would be just a few dead voters away from winning a U.S. Senate seat...

• Saddam Hussein would have been hung by the neck until dead by a new and Democratic Iraqi government...

• The New York Times would be both a laughingstock and a penny stock...

• Gas prices would have swung from $5 a gallon to $1.50 in just a handful of months...

Well, if someone had told you all of that, you'd seriously have that person committed. Seriously.

Well, this proves at least one point.

Science fiction ain't s**t.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Scratch one Airbus


A couple of folks sent this one in.

On Friday, May 16 2008, a brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, one of the largest passenger airplanes ever built at the time, sat in its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime.

Enter the flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine runups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi.

The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area. Then they took all 4 engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really is. The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had all 4 engines at full power.

The aircraft computers thought they were trying to takeoff but the aircraft had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.). Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air. The computers automatically released all the Brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward. The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.

Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new Aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it.

Snopes said it was mostly legit, so I'm going with it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Mugshot o' the day


Twin Falls Idaho resident Lori Brutsche-Ely, 41, was charged with four felony counts of battery against police officers, "another felony for allegedly destroying jail equipment, and misdemeanor charges of battery, indecent exposure and malicious injury to property." The helpful Idaho Mountain Express even provides a mugshot.

...Hailey officer Shelly Pharis wrote in a probable cause affidavit that when she arrived at the bar she found Brutsche-Ely, completely unclothed, outside and in front of the nightclub yelling at Mint security personnel and patrons who had followed the fracas outside.

Brutsche-Ely was charged with four crimes for things she allegedly did in or outside of the Mint. The misdemeanor indecent exposure charge alleges that Brutsche-Ely illegally exposed her private parts in public, while the misdemeanor battery charge alleges that she kicked Mint security man Mike Kimball in the groin.

...Pharis, with the assistance of other officers, was able to transport Brutsche-Ely to jail, where four other crimes allegedly occurred. While in a holding cell, Brutsche-Ely allegedly broke a sprinkler head by striking it with a folded blanket, flooding the cell and causing more than $1,500 in damage.

She also allegedly battered jailer Laura Bowling by "slapping the victim's face and grabbing and pulling her hair." She also allegedly battered Sgt. Curtis Miller.

"We were still trying to control the female when I felt pain in my left shoulder," Miller wrote in a probable cause affidavit. "I looked and observed the woman biting me...

Executive summary: naked woman kicks cops in groin, requires five armed police officers to be subdued, and then goes all Al Franken on the jailers. Word is that the Democrat Party is eyeing her for a Senate run.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Crazy floor and ceiling murals


Dave W. sent this one in.

A painted ceiling in a smokers lounge...

...and a painted floor in the bathroom of a tenth-floor apartment.

Yeah, I know Snopes said this was crap, but don't tell Dave cause it hurts his feelings.