Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The 4,800 calorie burger


The West Michigan White Caps, a minor league baseball team, has a grand slam of an entree. Its four-pound burger features five beef patties, five slices of cheese, one cup of chili, oodles of salsa and more... all for only $20.

The club reports that anyone who finishes the monstrosity in one sitting will win a free T-shirt.

Michael Moore was unavailable for comment.


Hat tip: Ben.



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Universal hand-signal of cameraderie for drivers with Obama bumperstickers


Ray sent this one in.

The following symbol can be used nationwide by drivers... whenever they see someone with an Obama bumpersticker.

As you pass the other vehicle, make the following motion to the driver to express your support.


The circle stands for Obama, our president.

The back and forth motion reflects the inevitable progress -- like the tide itself -- of his Marxist agenda.

Don Rickles Roasts Congress... and Barack Obama


Satire Alert: In real life, the brilliant Don Rickles never does any routine that even remotely touches on politics. Truth be told, I am a huge fan of Mr. Rickles, so I'm hoping this disclaimer gets me out of hot water with his public relations folks. Although I am pleased that I have actually met people -- very large and intimidating people -- who know him. So, remember, these are not Mr. Rickle's words; nor does he approve of them; and furthermore he is only -- by the barest thread imaginable -- tolerating my existence.


Hello, dummies!

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
Now I know why they call you the arithmetic man. You add partisanship, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

Reid is so physically unimposing, he makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T.
And Reid's so dumb, he makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual.
Nevada is soooo screwed!
If I were less polite, I'd say Reid makes Kevin Federline look successful.

Speaking of the Speaker... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba!
Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Seriously, the Speaker may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot.

Madame Speaker... want to make twelve bucks the hard way?
Pelosi says she's not partisan, but her constituents call her Madame Pelossilini.

Charlie Rangel... still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind. What does that make, six decades of theft?
Rangel's the only man with a rent-controlled mansion.

He's the guy who writes our tax laws but forgot to pay taxes on $75 grand in rental income!
So why isn't he the Treasury Secretary?
Rangel runs more scams than a Nigerian Banker.

Barney Frank - he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone.
Consider... he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown and they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney, they're still heading up the financial system!

Let's all admit it... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog on novocaine.
How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's right... he's from Massachusetts.
That's the state that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!

You know, if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine bottles with him.
Here's a news flash, Dodd: when your local newspaper calls you a "lying weasel", it may be time to retire.

Dodd's involved in more shady deals than the Clintons.
Even Rangel looks up to him!

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, I really respect you... especially given your upbringing. All you've overcome...
I heard your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works for you.
Personally, I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?
Gibbs does his best expositional work in the bathroom every morning.

As for President Obama, what can I say?
They say President Obama's arrogant and aloof, but I don't agree.
Now it's true when you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
His mind is open to new ideas -- so open that ideas simply pass through it.

Obama lies so much, I was actually surprised to find out his first name really was Barack.
Just don't ask about his middle name!
But Obama was able to set a record... he actually lied more in 60 days than Bill Clinton.
As far as his administration -- what with the tax cheat and lobbyists -- well, in the words of Patches O'Houlihan, "It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there."

With all due respect.

I've found that if you add "with all due respect" to the end, any insult is okay.


Linked by: Instapundit. Thanks!



Nice pigs!


This one never gets old.

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House: he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

Sent in by Papa B.

Revenge of the Flip-Flops


Dave W. forwards this one...

When your boyfriend, husband or significant other does something that makes you angry don't give in to the temptation to argue and fight.

Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops
to the floor.

I could watch this one over and over…. OH wait a minute…I have!!!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Seafood dinner in the Age of Obama




Hat tip: Bernie

How did we survive?


I am one of the baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964. I sometimes wonder how we survived. Consider:

Our mothers smoked and/or drank while pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with brightly colored, lead-based paints.

There were no childproof lids on medicine or special locks on cabinet doors.

We we rode bikes, we wore baseball caps, not specially engineered helmets.

As infants, we rode in cars without car seats or booster seats, no seat belts and no air bags. Sometimes, as tots, we rode in small moving boxes packed with blankets and toys.

We rode in the back of pickup trucks and no one was arrested or cited.

We drank water from garden hoses, not from plastic bottles.

We shared a single bottle of Coca-Cola with three friends -- and no one died.

We ate cupcakes with food coloring, white bread, real butter and bacon. In fact, we drank Kool-Aid mixed with tablespoons of real sugar.

Yet we weren't overweight, because we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when dusk fell. And no one was able to reach us all day. And: we were okay.

We'd spend hours in the forest with Daisy rifles, or building go-carts without brakes, or sledding with wooden and steel monstrosities that could sever a limb.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-Boxes. There were no video games, no cable television, no DVD players. There were no computers, no web, no Facebook, no Twitter.

We had friends and we went outside and found them... without cell phones or text messages.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits resulting from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns and knives for our birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, played lawn darts and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The boomers have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, inventors and entrepreneurs ever.

The last 50 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

We had the good fortune to grow up as kids in America, before the government regulated so much of our lives "for our own good".

Give thanks, for such an age will never occur again.


Hat tips: How Beautiful We Were (American Digest), Contrairimairi and AdClassix. Linked by: Paul Ibrahim. Thanks!



Friday, March 20, 2009

Exclusive video: Octomom gives birth


Kimmel managed to land the actual videotape of Octomom giving birth to her kids.

The majesty of the birthing process has never been more evident than in this stunning few seconds of video, which captures the near-mystical experience of a mother giving birth to octuplets.


Ripped from: Denny, who's got some other great stuff.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Why women should not take men shopping against their will


Dave writes: "After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been caused a series of disturbances in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you and your husband from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3) July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while wearing sunglasses and loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna 2.0 look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely, Wal-Mart Customer Service.

Top 10 Demotivational Posters of All-Time













Selected from: MarcFolio.

Stickerwars


Best illustrations from the live EIB thread.