Cracked Magazine outsourced humor production to its readers...
The magazine honored 18 of the best reader submissions. The top submitter collected a grand prize of well over $25.
The magazine honored 18 of the best reader submissions. The top submitter collected a grand prize of well over $25.The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring alist of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Stone, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Stone, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old- granddaughter drinks. And, believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.''Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said."But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Heh. I would never let people eat grass; you get a very uneven cut that way.
25. Vinny "The Pazmanian Devil" Pazienza
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
"You guys are idiots! Michael Vick went to prison for this!"
Okay... I might get over the outlet in the shower. But I will not accept the toilet paper holder in the shower.
When the power company told its crew to run electricity to this house, I'm pretty sure they didn't mean to just stick all the wires through a hole in the roof!
Pretty safe, isn't it? Notice that the hot lead is at least a quarter inch from a metal oil pipe and it is almost 48 inches off the ground so the children won't touch it...
Yes, go right ahead and connect the dryer vent to the water heater flue.
What the... ?
The county inspector had just signed off on it. Said it was "all he could do since it was a remodel."
If you can't bend metal conduit, just use a few extra junction boxes!
When you do not have an outlet box, use a Nike box. Just do it!
You know you're a redneck HVAC tech when you use a chew can for a junction box.
Main load, acetone, grits, and tool storage panel.
"Screw that I-beam! That's the framer's problem."
Instead of flashing the penetrations, MacGyver installed buckets with pipes under the drips.
The listing read: "...shower and ceiling fan in master bath...." Eh, where does the wire go and how much glue did he use to stick that thing there?
The ad listed the house with a "whole house attic fan". Professionally installed no doubt.
"If you can vent one bathroom exhaust then three should work just as well!"
"Why should I pay an electrician to do it?"
"Yeah, it said to use 4 1/2" bolts. But these nails out of my nail gun ought to do."
"Flashing!? We don't need no stinking flashing!"
"Look: I had 18" of pipe and this bag of couplers."
I think this goes to a ceiling fan mounted on the ceiling of a bathroom on the other side of this wall. Maybe.
Supply air, meet return air.
The film was taken in 1901 from the front of a trolley as it crept through the streets of Barcelona.

"Roller coasters and ferris wheels are all very well as entertainment for some groups of consumers, but for others, there's nothing quite like the experience of operating heavy machinery. That, at least, is the premise behind Männerspielplatz, an amusement park for men that lets them get in touch with their inner construction worker...
...For EUR 219 [Ed: around $300], visitors to Männerspielplatz can shed their office trappings and get seriously dirty while playing with excavators, wheel loaders, Caterpillars, quads, Jeeps and more. The park, which is situated in an old factory site just outside Kassel, Germany, offers 18 stations for visitors to enjoy to their heart's content. Challenges include using a Komatsu Hanomag excavator to move huge stones; leveling the ground with a bulldozer; off-road riding on a Quad Unimog; and participating in an archery course. Participants must be at least 18 years old. A Class B license is required, and admission is limited to minimize waiting times.