Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Cracked: 'If everything was made by Microsoft'


Cracked Magazine outsourced humor production to its readers...

The magazine honored 18 of the best reader submissions. The top submitter collected a grand prize of well over $25.


Grandma's birth control


Sue sent this one in.

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring alist of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Stone, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Stone, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old- granddaughter drinks. And, believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Medicare in a nutshell


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.


Via: Dave W..

Friday, April 24, 2009

Woman


Dave W. sent this one in... and it's good blackmail material I can threaten him with.

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.


But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

 

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Quick Takes


• I check referrals every once in a while (this means I review how people found this site). A recent visitor got here from Google by searching for: what to include in obama emergency kit.

• President Andrew Jackson once said, "If you have a job in your department that can't be done by a Democrat, then abolish the job."

• Speaking of Google, the "average visitor to YouTube is costing Google between one and two dollars, according to new research that shows Google losing up to $1.65 million per day" on the video site.

• And speaking of YouTube, a new contest "challenges users to make a 'good' video".

• Oh, and Quentin Tarantino's Welcome Back, Kotter. That just cost someone a buck.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Altruistic Lawyer


Papa B sent this one out to the usual suspects.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

One of the recipients, an attorney, responded:

Heh. I would never let people eat grass; you get a very uneven cut that way.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Top 25 Boxing Nicknames of All Times


The definitive list:

25. Vinny "The Pazmanian Devil" Pazienza
24. "Iron" Mike Tyson
23. Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini
22. Mike "The Body Snatcher" McCallum
21. Andrew "Six Heads" Lewis

20. Larry “The Easton Assassin” Holmes
19. Donald "The Cobra" Curry
18. Zab “Super” Judah
17. Lew “The Living Death” Jenkins
16. Jake "Raging Bull" LaMotta

15. Evander "Real Deal" Holyfield
14. Ruben “Hurricane” Carter
13. Manny "The Destroyer" Pacquiao
12. "Smokin" Joe Frazier
11. Jack "The Manassa Mauler" Dempsey

10. Paul "The Punisher" Williams
9. James "Lights Out" Toney
8. Thomas "The Hit Man" Hearns
7. Arturo "Thunder" Gatti
6. John "The Beast" Mugabi

5. Ike "Bazooka" Quartey
4. James "Bonecrusher" Smith
3. Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins
2. Roberto "Hands of Stone" Duran
1. "Sugar" Ray Robinson



Friday, April 10, 2009

A valuable lesson


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied, 'divorce attorney'.


Sent in by: Ben.

Best Captions for a Lobster Knife-Fight Photo


"You guys are idiots! Michael Vick went to prison for this!"

"SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!! CRUSTACEAN CARNAGE NIGHT... ONLY AT RED LOBSTER!!!"

"Everybody was lobster fighting! Those claws were fast as lightning!"

"I will cut you… ...like a Cornish game hen."

"I wager 50 quatloos on the newcomer!"

"*I’ll cut mang!*"


Via: PIU.


Best Emergency Preparedness Kit Ever



Update: The invaluable Vanderleun writes, "DELETE ZOMBIES, INSERT PROGRESSIVES".

It's always politics with him, isn't it?

Via: Failblog.org.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

March Nominees for the 2009 Contractor Awards


Jan sent these in.

Okay... I might get over the outlet in the shower. But I will not accept the toilet paper holder in the shower.

When the power company told its crew to run electricity to this house, I'm pretty sure they didn't mean to just stick all the wires through a hole in the roof!

Pretty safe, isn't it? Notice that the hot lead is at least a quarter inch from a metal oil pipe and it is almost 48 inches off the ground so the children won't touch it...

Yes, go right ahead and connect the dryer vent to the water heater flue.

What the... ?

The county inspector had just signed off on it. Said it was "all he could do since it was a remodel."

If you can't bend metal conduit, just use a few extra junction boxes!

When you do not have an outlet box, use a Nike box. Just do it!

You know you're a redneck HVAC tech when you use a chew can for a junction box.

Main load, acetone, grits, and tool storage panel.

"Screw that I-beam! That's the framer's problem."

Instead of flashing the penetrations, MacGyver installed buckets with pipes under the drips.

The listing read: "...shower and ceiling fan in master bath...." Eh, where does the wire go and how much glue did he use to stick that thing there?

The ad listed the house with a "whole house attic fan". Professionally installed no doubt.

"If you can vent one bathroom exhaust then three should work just as well!"

"Why should I pay an electrician to do it?"

"Yeah, it said to use 4 1/2" bolts. But these nails out of my nail gun ought to do."

"Flashing!? We don't need no stinking flashing!"

"Look: I had 18" of pipe and this bag of couplers."

I think this goes to a ceiling fan mounted on the ceiling of a bathroom on the other side of this wall. Maybe.

Supply air, meet return air.


Related: 2008 Contractor Awards.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Wikio releases its new Top 100 Blog List


Wikio sent me an advance look at the new Top 100 list... check out #76. That must be a typo. As far as I can tell, I have four regular readers and one of them is Mom. Maybe she just clicks the "reload" button a lot.

1The Huffington Post
2The Corner
3TechCrunch
4Think Progress
5Gizmodo
6Boing Boing
7Political Ticker - CNN
8Political Punch
9Michelle Malkin
10Gawker
11The Daily Dish
12The Conscience of a Liberal
13Engadget
14Talking Points Memo
15The Caucus - New York Times blog
16Firedoglake
17NewsBusters
18Political Animal
19fivethirtyeight
20Daily Kos
21Power Line
22Instapundit.com
23Crooks and Liars
24The Official Google Blog
25ReadWriteWeb
26Mashable!
27The Consumerist
28White House.gov Blog Feed
29Washington Wire - WSJ.com
30Kotaku
31Calculated Risk
32Lifehacker
33The Plank
34Deadspin
35AMERICAblog
36Balloon Juice
37Marginal Revolution
38Reason Magazine - Hit & Run
39Threat Level
40Bits - New York Times blog
41Greg Mankiw's Blog
42Swampland
43CrunchGear
44Chicago Breaking News
45Neatorama
46The Big Picture
47Political Radar - ABC Blog
48Wired Science - Wired Blog
49Jezebel
50Michael Goldfarb - The Weekly Standard
51Grasping Reality with Both Hands
52io9
53Gadget Lab - Wired Blog
54VentureBeat
55GigaOM
56The Volokh Conspiracy
57Official Gmail Blog
58Kottke
59xkcd.com
60The Boy Genius Report
61Eschaton
62naked capitalism
63Althouse
64Wonkette
65DealBook - New York Times blog
66Valleywag
67Lynn Sweet
68/Film
69Real Time Economics
70Freakonomics - New York Times Blog
71Seth Godin's Blog
72Political Wire
73Atlas Shrugs
74Pharyngula
75Trading Goddess Stock Blog!
76Doug Ross @ Journal
77I Can Has Cheezburger?
78The Jawa Report
79PerezHilton.com
80jon.smajda.com/blog
81Deadline Hollywood Daily
82Just Jared
83Full Comment
84Geekologie
85Jihad Watch
86Ross Douthat
87Redstate
88Cato-at-liberty
89Jalopnik
90Pam's House Blend - Front Page
91The Next Right
92Inhabitat
93iowahawk
94SlashGear
95MyDD
96Obsidian Wings
97George's Bottom Line
98SimpleBits
99Towleroad
100Smashing Magazine

Ranking by Wikio.



Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A trip through the streets of Barcelona... 101 years ago


Freedom Plow discovered a very cool video, converted from some sort of early motion picture camera.

The film was taken in 1901 from the front of a trolley as it crept through the streets of Barcelona.

Stunning.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

New Addition to the Blogroll: No Oil for Pacifists


I stumbled across the blog No Oil for Pacifists --- quite possibly the finest name for a conservative blog ever -- today and had to add it to the blog-roll on the spot. Here are a couple of reasons why.



Check it out.


Friday, March 27, 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Great Idea: Playground for Men


No, not that, you filthy-minded goat!

Springwise reports on a playground where would-be construction workers can rent heavy machinery and... just play:

"Roller coasters and ferris wheels are all very well as entertainment for some groups of consumers, but for others, there's nothing quite like the experience of operating heavy machinery. That, at least, is the premise behind Männerspielplatz, an amusement park for men that lets them get in touch with their inner construction worker...


...For EUR 219 [Ed: around $300], visitors to Männerspielplatz can shed their office trappings and get seriously dirty while playing with excavators, wheel loaders, Caterpillars, quads, Jeeps and more. The park, which is situated in an old factory site just outside Kassel, Germany, offers 18 stations for visitors to enjoy to their heart's content. Challenges include using a Komatsu Hanomag excavator to move huge stones; leveling the ground with a bulldozer; off-road riding on a Quad Unimog; and participating in an archery course. Participants must be at least 18 years old. A Class B license is required, and admission is limited to minimize waiting times.

I like it!