Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

May 2009 Contractor Award Nominees


Sent in by Jan.



The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad


Papa B sent this one in:

The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning the names of their kids.

5. The most highly paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on for you.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Summer Home


In Russia, a summer home is called a "dacha".

This is one such dacha.


Just when you thought everything was invented


Papa B sent this one in.










Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Navy initiates catch-and-release program for Gitmo prisoners


With plans to shutter Gitmo, the U.S. Navy has announced its new "catch-and-release" program for terrorists captured on the battlefield.

Yesterday, Navy officials announced that -- consistent with President Obama's directives -- it has released a senior Al Qaeda Terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a U.S. aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.

As a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a White 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from Custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home moments after being released by the Navy.


Hat tip: Dave W..

I hate when that happens







Click any picture to see the complete album.

Redneck Tractor Pull


Papa B always seems to find these strange shots.

I've stopped asking how he gets them.


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Pictures from life


IZI has an intriguing collection.





Click any photo to see the complete album.


Friday, May 29, 2009

Best. Complaint letter. Ever.


Amy sent this one in.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to an American company regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web mail-award-winning letter. [Ed: eh, what?]

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your [Brand] maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened a maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull ****. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

[Name redacted]

Testy!


Questions that haunt me


Sent in by Dave W.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Fat, bald white guys pleased with Supreme Court pick


Fred "LeRoy" Paisley's nomination to the U.S. Supreme court is a historical milestone for balding Caucasians, but it resonates well beyond the simple bald-guy pride. It is perhaps the most potent symbol yet of a rapprochement between the U.S.'s two largest "silent majorities": Bald-Americans and Obese-Americans. In the past, both groups could be as violently distrustful of each other as Tom and Jerry.

And after Obese-Americans helped push Barack Obama into office by giving him a remarkable 52% of their vote, Obama seemed to return the favor by selecting Paisley the first morbidly obese Supreme Court justice, decades of friction between the two groups seem to be melting away like ice cream on a frying pan at Steak & Shake™.

"The symbolism of an obese and bald Justice can't be overstated," says former actor Shel Silverman, who played "Mr. Klean" in numerous television commercials. Mr. Klean, the sixties icon, was a jolly, balding custodian who burst into toilet stalls occupied with groaning, constipated consumers, offering them "Preparation K" ("It'll Klean You Out!") to help them achieve regularity.

"The fact that LeRoy is both obese and bald is huge. Frickin' immense. Imagine a fat, balding guy standing with an African-American President -- what a f*****g country!"

And it's bad news for an already beleaguered Republican Party. Just five years ago, the GOP thought it had begun a conquest of the Obese-American vote, but it saw its share of that electorate plunge more than 2 points in last year's presidential election.

Hat tip: Time Magazine, for the most ridiculous "news" reporting of the week. Linked by: Ed Driscoll. Thanks!