Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Real Hope


The Daley Gator sent this one in.

Which reminds me of this video.


Road-Kill Chili

Bernie sent this one in.

I went to "Lowes" recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day your posterior may melt from the heat.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.

No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for "Lowes" Store, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal... I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh... gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time... The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. In retrospect, this was a very bad mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand malassplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I slid into an open stall, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my rear is burning like I'm sitting on a Weber grill, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disappeared.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir,you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "It's you!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly never to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two-and-a-half more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Targets. I can't say anymore about that because the legal proceedings are still ongoing.



Sunday, October 25, 2009

Latest News from Twitter


Twitter really does have the most up-to-date news stories.

@directorblue: Breaking: Citing H1N1 concerns, White House seals off access to Fox News building #tcot #thot

@directorblue: Breaking: White House announces economic rescue plan: purchases multi-billion $ life insurance policies on Beck, Hannity #tcot #thot

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama to announce dramatic pay cuts for Fox News personalities #tcot #thot

@directorblue: Breaking: HHS head to announce health care program for media including free euthanasia services for Hannity, Beck, others #tcot #thot

@directorblue: Breaking: Pres. Obama announces availability of Little Red Book of quips, puns, life stories #tcot

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama will deploy aircraft carrier battle group to Manhattan in response to threats, obstructionism from Fox News #tcot

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama to announce Gitmo will stay open to house Fox News pundits Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, others. #fcc #tcot

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama vows that "all options are on the table" regarding administration's dealings with Fox News

@directorblue: Breaking: Secretary of State Clinton reports two-party talks "without preconditions" may be possible with representatives of Fox News

@directorblue: Breaking: David Axelrod blames tropical storm Neki on Fox News

@directorblue: Breaking: President Axelrod blames Hindenburg explosion on "a conspiracy orchestrated by Fox News" #obamafail

@directorblue: Breaking: Vice President Rahm Emanuel blames Charlie Rangel's tax troubles on Fox News #obamafail

@directorblue: Breaking: White House blames economic meltdown on Fox News #obamafail

@directorblue: Breaking: ACORN registers over 300 Somali pirates as Virginia Democrats voting absentee for Creigh Deeds.

@directorblue: Breaking: ACORN accidentally registers "Barry Soetero" in Virginia

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama to decide on Afghan troop levels "sometime after meeting with Balloon Boy" #balloonboy

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama to award Balloon Boy Nobel Prize for Hiding #balloonboy

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama to announce FCC-ordered shutdown of FoxNews effective noon Sat. for "seditious broadcasts on public airwaves"

@directorblue: Breaking: President Obama to speak to nation, will thank balloon boy for _not_ climbing into rogue, breakaway balloon yesterday #balloonboy



Friday, October 23, 2009

The Wedding Test

Dave W. sent this one in:

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and wore extremely suggestive outfits. Worse yet, she would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always received an eyeful in return. It had to be deliberate, because she never behaved this way when she was near anyone else.

One day my fiancee's 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she needed to have me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you need one last fling..."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight for my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'Son, I can't tell you how pleased we that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter... a man with more integrity than you. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your prophylactics in your car.

Cue the rimshot.


The Authoritarians Describe New Central Planning Commission


Victor the Contractor sends this illustration in:


Ministers of the State Dodd, Reid, Schumer and Frank announce
formation of Central Planning Commission for Re-Education of Authorized News Media.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Another Reason Why Chicago Didn't Get the Olympics


Ben sent this one in:

This is the beach in Chicago during the summer.


This is the beach in Rio, pretty much all year around.


Gee, tough choice.



Sunday, October 18, 2009

The semi-annual reorganization of the sidebar

If you missed some of the less snarky posts during the last three months, they are illustrated below in light red. The older posts displaced from the sidebar are in light blue. I'll try to make this more confusing in the future.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Cussing in Church


Dave sent this one in:

A crusty old man walks into the local Baptist Church and says to the secretary:

"I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it! I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that sort of foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer:

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says.

"I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

===================================

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b**** giving you a hard time?"

Cue the rim-shot.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Asses to Asses


Mary Ann sent this one in.

More than 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.

God help us.



Saturday, October 10, 2009

Rona's New Product Idea



 
Postscript: this is my first documentary, created with the exceptionally cool application at XtraNormal.
 

The Women of WTF


Rich sent this one in, via Hawtness (NSFW):







Linked by: Maggie's Farm. Thanks!

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Congressional Lost & Found


Can you help return these items to their rightful owners? They were found in the Capitol:

FOUND: On the Republican Side of the Aisle

"GI Joe" Force RECON Marine

"GI Joe" Force RECON Marine Includes: USA flag; belt-fed, man-portable automatic weapon; Javelin anti-tank weapon; NATO-style back-back; M1911 .45 caliber sidearm and nine spare magazines.

FOUND: On the Democratic side of the Aisle

"GI Jacques" French-speaking UN Soldier

"GI Jacques" French-speaking UN Soldier Includes: Guide book ("How to Surrender in 44 Languages including Arabic and Farsi"), white flag, laminated pinup photograph of Yassar Arafat and extra pair of underwear.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Daddy, how was I born?


Papa B sent this one in.

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out, so...

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

And since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...



You've got male!'

Papa B seems to have a lot of time on his hands these days.


Sunday, October 04, 2009

Marketing Genius!


Heh.

Related: Ten Worst Brands of All Time. Hat tip: Leno.

Action Jackson's RV


Squob has some outstanding coverage of the Action Mobil MAN. It's kinda like the Hummer of RVs. The price? Read on.

[Imagine] thundering down a Siberian forest road at dusk, piloting a six-wheel-drive expedition vehicle at irresponsible speeds. With DJ Hell’s My Definition of House tearing up the subwoofer.

For this, one needs an Action Mobil.

The new Globecruiser model—first picture below—fits the bill nicely. Due for a shakedown trip to Africa in April 2009, it’s based on the MAN TGA 6×6 platform—as occasionally used by Unicat, that other purveyor of expedition excess... Motive power comes from a giant 783ci turbodiesel, which pumps out a very healthy 388 kW. (Actually, make that a fairly healthy 388 kW—this mill doesn’t meet the latest EURO 5 regulations, but EURO 3 isn’t too bad considering.)

The two fuel tanks hold 219 gallons. A refill costs enough to put an Icelandic bank out of business, but if you can afford the Globecruiser’s €490,000 ($670,000) sticker price, you can afford $800 at the pump...

I'll bet with the economic meltdown and all, you could get 'em down to $650K.

Via: The invaluable American Digest.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Top Ten Reasons David Letterman Was Boinking His Staffers


10. Wanted to be known as the Eliot Spitzer of late night television
9. Helped overcome the bullying I received over my bizarre, gap-tooth grin
8. Paul Schaffer's fault: it was a bet over who could boink more underlings
7. As heir to the Letterman Condom fortune, I'm required to do all of the testing
6. Without this incident, my biography was too boring for an E True Hollywood Story
5. Hot Fresh Delivery isn't just for pizza!
4. Had to show Todd Palin who's boss
3. Would you believe... I thought this was an episode of "Punk'd"?
2. Does the phrase "stimulus package" ring a bell?
1. I thought Bubba Clinton legalized this years ago


With apologies to: David Letterman's Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Excuses.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

The new Wikio rankings are here! The new Wikio rankings are here!


Dan Riehl has a sneak preview of the new Wikio rankings. Thanks to my Mom's quick trigger finger (she can press refresh on her son's web page faster than any Motha alive), Dan and I both moved up within spitting distance of the halfway respectable blogs.

So I would like to offer all seven loyal readers my deepest thanks... and a free sack of Cuyahoga River Jerky ("The snack you can jam in your jeans!").


And don't worry: expiration dates are overrated.