



Fractions are allowed, however.Washington, DC - This morning the Pentagon announced the formation of a new, 500-man elite fighting unit termed the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).These forces will be air-dropped into Afghanistan having received only the following briefing on the terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon anticipates operations in Afghanistan to be complete by Wednesday.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Jack Handy"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -- Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." -- Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to believe you can sing.
"When we drink, we sometimes get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" -- Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -- Dave Barry
"I tried drinking in moderation, but couldn't find it on the map." -- Dave Weinbaum
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff explained the Buffalo Theory of Alchohol to his buddy Norm:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.."
Prison Lighter: Wrap a AA battery in duct tape having strapped a wire to the negative end (that's the bottom of the battery, for you liberals). Touch the other side of the wire to the positive end and the exposed metal coil in the center of the wire will heat up enough to light your ciggie.
Prison Tattoo Gun: Nothing says you done served your time like a solid set of prison tats. Use a battery to power a motor that pushes a needle in and out in rapid fashion. Choices of colors are limited to whatever Bic pens you have in stock, however, which usually means the standard blue prison fare.
Prison Pipe: Stoners have the uncanny ability to use anything as a pipe and in this case they employed a tube of German horseradish. It reportedly functions superbly while amping up the flava.
Prison Shiv: The Lord works in mysterious ways as the dude who was on the wrong end of this shiv found out.
Prison Brass Knuckles: this robust take on the classic design is gauran-frickin-teed to leave a mark.
Prison Whip: for those frustrated by the inability to import nunchucks into prison, the next best thing may be the prison whip. Anchored with a stunning (and heavy) item like a bolt, it features multiple old-school razor blades for that special someone.
Prison Projectile Zip Gun: ground up match-heads can be used as a primitive form of gunpowder that can propel anything small and heavy you have on hand -- machine screws, nuts, bolts, the stray rock, for instance.
Prison four-round zip gun: If his handiwork hadn't been both deadly and illegal, this prisoner deserved an "A" in shop class. The barrels are loaded with cartridges and rotate, revolver style, into position in front of the firing pin.Meet the wiliest of all coyotes: Hit by a car at75 mph, embedded in the fender, rode for600 miles — and SURVIVED!
When a brother and sister struck a coyote at75 mph they assumed they had killed the animal and drove on.
They didn't realize this was the toughest creature ever to survive a hit-and-run.
Eight hours, two fuel stops, and 600 miles later they found the wild animal embedded in their front fender - and very much alive.
"[Daniel] saw fur and the body inside the grill," Tevyn East said. "I was trying to keep some distance. Our assumption was it was part of thecoyote — it didn't register it was the whole animal."
Daniel East got a broom to try and pry the remains out of the bumper and got the shock of his life.
"It flinched," Tevyn East said. "It was a huge surprise — he got a little freaked out."
Tevyn and Daniel huddled with Jeffrey Adams, who got on the telephone with volunteers from Wildlife Rehabilitation and Release.
Volunteer Jan Crowell arrived with a kennel and equipment to help corral the coyote, including a catch pole with a loop, and the delicate operation to rescue the coyote got under way.
Crowell was able to get the catch pole loop around its neck and used that to guide the animal into the dog carrier. She then took the coyote home, where she rehabilitates wild mammals, for observation.
"I was just amazed," Crowell said. "Quite frankly, I figured it would have broken bones."
When the 45-pound canine calmed down, the only injuries it appeared to have sustained were a scratch on one leg and a scrape on the pad of one paw, she said.
#8 - Frequently spotted in nightclubs with Eliot Spitzer.
#7 - Unexplained nicks and dents on his balls.
#6 - Retrofitted his Cadillac Escalade with curb feelers.
#5 - American Express charge for $2,000 from Waffle House.
#4 - Had always promised he'd be faithful within the three adjoining counties.
#3 - Often heard humming the theme song from Shaft in the shower.
#2 - On Facebook, his relationship status reads, "Dayammmmmmmmmm."
#1 - Always referred to his privates as "the wood".
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a assaulted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the stakes are too high."
15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men, or any other men, as well
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with very suggestive, skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start playfully undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th and 29th. Also November 1st and 2nd, twice on the 3rd, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Please Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I'm looking into bulk orders at CostCo and will let you know what I find.
The Female Genie...
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His manhood was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Greta Van Susteren revealed last night that Rush Limbaugh will be one of the judges of the 2010 Miss America Pageant. Pageant officials figured this was the only way to keep Barack Obama from winning that, too.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
I have been called a dynamic figure because I am often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.I translate sign language while weaving in and out of heavy traffic. I write award-winning operas.
I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I mesmerize people with my amazing trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.
I am an active member of the following Mafias: Italian, Russian, American, Canadian, French, British, Spanish, German, Scandinavian, Czechoslovakian, Yugoslavian, Ukrainian, Romanian, and Antarctican.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of the Foreign Legion, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.
In my youth, on Wednesdays after school, I used to repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookkeeper.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening-wear.
I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read The Holy Bible, Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in every supermarket in New York City.
I have performed several covert operations for United States intelligence organizations. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have broken into and inhabited the Biosphere, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
There is more --- but much of it is too extreme to believe.