Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Best. Product. Idea. Ever.

Magically transform anything you pick up into a glorious, tasty sandwich!

New BreadGloves™ from the makers of HungryDude Edible Pizza Boxes.


Hat tips: Blame it on the voices and LinBre.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Bear takes bite of hiker -- Internet flame war ensures

The Knoxville News reports that a tourist angling for a closeup photo was bit on the foot by a black bear in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.

The man, whose name wasn't immediately available, let the bear get within inches of him Wednesday while hiking the Laurel Falls Trail, park spokeswoman Nancy Gray said. He didn't need treatment.

Park rangers believe they've caught the bear, a 60-pound female captured Thursday, Gray said. They'll kill it once they confirm it's the same one.

Park policy decrees an automatic death sentence for any bear that injures a human. Park officials said they're seeing more hungry, aggressive bears this year, probably due to a scarce acorn crop.

The article has generated, at current count, 119 comments including this entertaining anecdote.

I didn't realize there was an automatic death sentence [for bears who attack humans]. My wife and I were in the Smokies last year. Several kids [were] chasing a couple of cubs through the woods, I knew Mama wasn't too far away. I was trying to tell them it wasn't a good idea (from a goodly distance away). Then their Dad jumps in "Whudduyuh doin'?! There just havin' fon! Dem beers won't hoit 'em will dey?" I said "You ain't from around here are you? Where are y'all from?" "Noo Joisey." I said "Nah, they'll be fine. Do you have any more family members that might be able to help them catch those cute little fellers?"

Another commenter suggests the man may have approached the bear because he "was just trying to apologize to [it] for global warming -- apology not accepted."

No word on whether the tourist has retained a slip-and-fall lawyer to sue the bear and the park.

See, folks, this is what happens when you allow Democrats to visit wildlife refuges without chaperones.


Photo: WBIR.

Monday, May 10, 2010

'Remind Me Again... Why can't I get a job?'

L.B. writes:

Remind Me Again... Why can't I get a job?

Is it because of the economy, or is it my parents' fault ???

I wore my suit, and even a tie.


Linked by: Linkiest. Thanks!

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Headlines I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to read tomorrow morning

U.S. Department of Competence Rates Administration Performance on Oil Spill an 'A+'

DOJ Officials Resign to Defend Times Square Bomber

U.S. Department of Competence Rates Border Security an 'A+'

Greek Unions Deliver Their Final Answer: Buy Me More Gyros, Euro-b***hes

Bloomberg: Suspect was Tea Party Activist, Suffering from Salt Overdose, Who Wandered into Pakistan Looking for Private Doctor

U.S. Department of Competence Rates DHS Head Janet Napolitano's Handling of Counterterrorism an 'A+'



Image Idea: American Digest.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

At last: a new, safe, green Toyota

Papa B:

I can assure any buyer that there will be no gas pedal problems -- guaranteed or your money back.

 

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What to wear when your better half breaks out the "honey-do" list

Hat tip: Bern

The new bumper stickers are here! The new bumper stickers are here!

Papa B (who else?) sent these in. His M.O. remains the same: political correctness is always checked at the door.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

George Carlin Obliterates the Hubris of Earth Day (Illustrated Version): 'The planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!'

Sheer genius from the late George Carlin, circa 1994.

You got people like this around you? Country is full of them now! People walking around all day long, every minute of the day — worried about EVERYTHING! Worried about the air, worried about the water, worried about the soil. Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens; worried about radon gas; worried about asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.

Let me tell you about endangered species, all right? Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control Nature! It's arrogant meddling! It's what got us into trouble in the first place! Doesn't anybody understand that? Interfering with Nature! Over 90 percent.. over... way over 90 percent of all the species that have ever lived — EVER LIVED — on this planet are gone. Whissshht! They are extinct!

We didn't kill them all.

They just... disappeared! That's what Nature does! They disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day, and I mean regardless of our behavior. Irrespective of how we act on this planet, 25 species that were here today, will be gone tomorrow! Let them go... gracefully! Leave Nature alone! Haven't we done enough?

We're so self-important. So self-important! Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees; save the bees; save the whales; save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all, "Save the planet." WHAT? Are these f***ing people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the f***ing planet?

I'm getting tired of that s***. Tired of that s***. Tired! I'm tired of f***ing Earth Day! I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for their Volvos.

Besides, environmentalists don't give a s*** about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are f***ed. Difference. Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what? A hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles; hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors; worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages... And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet... the planet... the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!

We're going away. Pack your s***, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet will be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

You wanna know how the planet is doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, "How the planet's doing?" You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.

The planet will be here for a long, long — LONG — time after we're gone, and it will heal itself; it will cleanse itself, because that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover; the earth will be renewed; and, if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the Earth plus plastic! The Earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth. The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question, "Why are we here?" "Plastic! A**holes."

So! So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that it has already started already, don't you? I think, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And I am sure the planet will defend itself in the manner of a large organism, like a beehive or an ant colony, and muster a defense. I am sure the planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky, troublesome species?

"Let's see... What might... Hmm.. Viruses! Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction."

Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron." The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish; it doesn't reward; it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

The 8 Most Terrifying Holes on Earth

Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa: Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed in 1914.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California: This is the 'Glory Hole' at Monticello dam, and it's the largest in the world of this type of spillway, its size enabling it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second (note: a glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir).

Bingham Canyon Mine, Utah: This is supposedly the largest man-made excavation on earth. Extraction began in 1863 and still continues today, the pit increasing in size constantly. In its current state the hole is 0.75 miles deep and 2.5 miles wide and covering 1,900 acres.

Great Blue Hole, Belize: This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize. There are numerous blue holes around the world, but none as stunning as this one.

Mirny Diamond Mine, Serbia: I'm pretty sure most people have seen this one. It's an absolute beast and holds the title of largest open diamond mines in the world. At 525 meters deep, with a top diameter of 1200 meters, there's even a no-fly zone above the hole due to a few helicopters having been sucked in.

Diavik Mine, Canada: The mine is so huge and the area so remote that it has its own airport with a runway large enough to accommodate a Boeing 737. It looks equally cool when the surrounding water is frozen.

Sinkhole in Guatemala: These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala. The hole swallowed a dozen homes and killed at least three people.

The most terrifying hole of all: This is the famous 'Rat Hole' that you've read so much about lately. It is capable of swallowing trillions upon trillions of U.S. dollars from the real economy each and every year.


Hat tip: Dave W. Linked by: Ace of Spades. Thanks!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Need to get that Obama-Biden bumper-sticker off your car?

Tired of the dirty looks you get on the expressway?

Sick of getting flipped off, even though your only 'crime' is having an Obama bumper-sticker on your car?

Now there's an answer: remove that divisive bumpersticker -- that you regret ever slapping on your vehicle -- with the new AlinskyOff 3000, available exclusively through this TV offer!

Having trouble with an extra-difficult sticker that won't stop grabbing you? The propane-powered JeremiahBegone 4000 could be the cure. It's 4,000-BTU blast will melt nearly any free-range sticker made in the last four years!

Struggling with the Obama-Biden commemorative stickers made with heat-proof tiles from the abandoned Space Shuttle program? There's only one way to get those bad boys off -- the HopeyChange Jihad 5000 rocket-propelled adhesive remover (not available in the District of Columbia).

Act now, and we'll throw in a 2008 Michelle Obama bathing suit calendar!


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

It's Just That Simple

Papa B:


"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women!"


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Glenfiddich 50

Mr. Chopper Dude:

Glenfiddich 50 Year Old


Time to add another bottle to your list of "stuff I'd love to drink if I had the money."

Glenfiddich 50 Year Old ($16,000) is an incredibly expensive, incredibly rare, and, presumably, an incredibly tasty whisky. Part of only the second-ever vatting of the half-century Glenfiddich — the first was done for founder William Grant's children — this unique spirit has spent the last 50 years in two oak casks, which were then combined and aged for another six months in an American oak barrel to create the well-balanced, pleasantly sweet flavor.

Daddy like.


 

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Friday, April 09, 2010

Hitler finds out that all of the copies of his bunker video weren't deleted as promised


We confiscated all DVDs at the Blockbuster here... and here.

We also grabbed every flash drive at Charlottenburg and...

And burned the VHS tapes we discovered in Kreuzberg.

...and Schöneberg.


That leaves only the Hollywood Video at Alexanderplatz... ...and Friedrichstrasse. Perfect.

That stops the spread in its tracks! Well done!

Mein Führer...

Mein Führer... Hermann Göering... accidentally emailed a copy of the bunker video to his entire contact list.

...

...

...

...

Anyone with a Gmail or Hotmail account.... Leave. Now.

...

...

...

...

FLYING MONKEY F**K!!

THAT FAT F**K GOERING DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE EMAIL???

HOW G***AMN HARD IS IT TO NOT HIT THE 'REPLY ALL' BUTTON?

FAT SONOFAB***H CAN BARELY TYPE! I'VE SEEN HIM! HUNT AND PECK!

HE TYPES WITH TWO G***AMN FINGERS!

AND HIS F***ING BREATH MINTS! DOES HE THINK THOSE WORK??

HE ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE A PEPPERMINT FART!!

WHO DOES HE THINK HE'S FOOLING??

YOU COULDN'T COVER THAT SMELL WITH A GALLON OF FEBREZE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

AND HE'S A TECHNOLOGICAL ILLITERATE!!

HE DOESN'T EVEN USE FIREFOX!!

HE SURFS THE DAMN WEB WITH WINDOWS XP AND INTERNET EXPLORER! IE6!!!

Mein Führer... we forced him to upgrade to Windows 7 and IE8.

IE8? IE8???

THAT PIECE OF S*** WAS HACKED BY THE CHINESE BEFORE IT WAS EVEN RELEASED!

YES, LET'S DOWNLOAD F***ING SILVERLIGHT!

...

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME HE UPDATED HIS ANTIVIRUS??

HE CAN'T EVEN F***ING SPELL A.V.!!

AND DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW HE'S SURFING THOSE RUSSIAN PORN SITES!

I GOT THE DAMN WEBSENSE REPORTS! THE MOTHERF***ER IS A PERVERT!!

FIVE THOUSAND HITS ON BIGBOOTIES.COM?

DOES HE THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT??

He's not competent to operate a videocamera, much less a keyboard.

What's next?

WHY NOT TELL ME HE SENT THE VIDEO TO BRIAN ROSS??

OR THAT FAT SLUG MICHAEL MOORE??

THERE'S TWO PEAS IN A POD!

ONE F***ING WMV FILE.


I thought I was going to be a legend, even in death.

An immortal hero to the idiots at Stormfront.

Hell, some of those twits think I'm going to survive the war and escape to Caracas.

WHY?

TO END UP IN A PHOTO OP FOR THAT PORKY THUG HUGO CHAVEZ??

Not only can't he keep the trains running, he doesn't even know how to keep electric power flowing.


How hard is it to burn some damn coal?

I could have been a martyr, worshiped for all times.

Iran, Syria, North Korea...

All of those bastards are pikers compared to me.

Kim Jong-Il? That midget twerp couldn't hold my jockstrap.

Assad? How's that reactor working out, dumbass?

Ahmedinejad? That hairy troll would've been bitch-slapped by Neville Chamberlain.

S***. With that video on the loose...

My a** is going to be punked for all eternity.