Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"Dudes, let's do some polling!"


STACLU has done a remarkable public service in dissecting the latest Newsweek poll. Now, I'm going from memory here, but I think it broke down like this:


In the poll, 282 identified themselves as Republicans, 349 as Democrats and 330 as Independents...


Of all Americans surveyed, Newsweek says 51% believe impeachment of President Bush should be a priority...


And of the self-identified Republicans, 5% say impeaching President Bush should be a top priority, and 15% say it should be a priority, but not a high one.


Hmmmm. Somehow that doesn't sound right. Let's zoom in some more and pick out some faces among these 'self-described Republicans'...


Whip inflation now!


Save the rainforest! (Just ignore my 12,000 foot mansion made of wood)


What?


So we fudged a poll? What about it?


You believe in the tooth fairy too?


Oh, speaking of which:


Attention! Attention all Christians voters! There are a bunch of gays in the GOP... people just like Mark Foley! And we know you Christians don't like gays. So, do us all a big favor and stay home on Tuesday. Plus, it'll be raining on Tuesday. Really bad weather.


That's your platform? Well, I guess it's improved some since Kerry ran for President.


Hat tip: Larwyn and EIB

Oven-fresh good readin', just like Mama used to make:
Anchoress: A GOP ad I'd like to see
Captain's Quarters: Meet the Democratic Leadership, Part III
Gateway Pundit: ACLU Counting on Democrat Majority to Kill Surveillance Bill
Hugh Hewitt: Bouchard, Kean and Kennedy for Senate
Rick Moran: A Liberal Manifesto and other Halloween Frights
Samantha Burns: Links That Don't Stink, Part 903
STACLU: Newsweak Poll Is Good News For Republicans (After The Dissection)
Wizbang: The Democrats don't deliver

Monday, October 23, 2006

CNN's Anderson Cooper, Embedded Reporter


Another world-exclusive for CNN: Anderson Cooper is now an embedded reporter. Shhhhhhhhh. Let's listen in:


Hello, I'm Anderson Cooper, live from Iraq for CNN. Our broadcast crew is embedded with the 3rd Mujahadeen Brigade under the command of Muhammad al-Duri...


Earlier today, our small group of youthful insurgents carried out a sniper attack on coalition forces...


And, since boys will be boys, the crew later blew up an Iraqi police vehicle...


Now, we're resting in an undisclosed Baghdad suburb... HOLY CRAP, WE'RE UNDER FIRE FROM COALITION FORCES!!! MORTAR ROUNDS ARE INCOMING!!! LOOK OU -

* * *

That's odd. We seem to have lost the feed. It's probably just a power outage - goodness knows, Baghdad's power grid isn't the most reliable.


Oven-fresh good readin', just like Mama used to make:
Anchoress: Bizarre headline
Gateway Pundit: CNN, meet Marine 2nd Lt. Joshua Booth, a sniper victim
Hugh Hewitt: Steele and Burns for Senate
STACLU: Two conflicting Gallup economy polls: which one is false?
Wizbang: Unbelivably biased captions

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Keith Olbermann's gonna have a revolution


Sister Toldjah has done fearless work, documenting the latest rumblings from the fever swamp. Their current conspiracy theory: Bush and Rove are way too confident about the midterm elections. What could they be up to? What diabolical plans are in motion that will again send the Dems down to defeat? But, if the GOP robs them again, they'll, "take it to the streets!" Or, as Blue Crab so eloquently puts it, they'll "send the chauffeur to the barricades."

Our fearless reporters here at DR@J figured that if anyone could grok the mindset of the Soros-HuffPo-Kos Klan, it's Keith "A Clockwork Strawberry" Olbermann. So, in spite of the feverish temperatures and all of the restless thrashing, our patented micro-Blogotronic™ recorder survived a journey into the brain of Keith Olbermann. Be warned: this is raw footage, recorded directly from an Olbermann dream last night. We haven't cut a thing. You can thank us later.


Cue the Olbermann dream sequence!


This is Diebold's electronic voting results hotline. May I take your order?


Hold on, young lady, let me check. Hey Dick, how many seats we wanna win the House by?


Let's make it close. We don't need any more hard-hitting investigations like Rolling Stone's - they got way too close to the truth. How's winning by three seats sound?


That's a nice round number. How 'bout the Senate?


With Lieberman in our pocket, we only need to win by one or two.


Great. Let's make it two. Okay, young lady, I think we've got our order: we'd like to win the House by three seats and the Senate by two...


That won't be a problem. Let me get your confirmation number for you...


Just use your al-go-rhythymic magic to make those results happen!


Heh... Al. Gore. Ithm. Al-go-rithm. Get it? I wonder if he invented the voting machine and not just the Internet?


...Mister President, I have your confirmation number ready: two-zero-zero-zero, two-zero-zero-four.


Got it: two thousand, two thousand and four. That's easy to remember! Thank you, young lady. Oh, and remember to vote on November 6. Now that I think about it, I guess it doesn't matter if you vote! Buh-bye!


Okay, Mr. President, just a couple of more calls to make and then you can take that nap you asked about.


Who's next?


Our traditional October surprise... you know who...


Got it. Let me use the speed-dial.


'Ello?


This is G-Dub. Binnie?


Yais.


For the love of pete, it's already October 22nd! When are you gonna release that new tape?


It's not like we have a freaking studio here in the cave! Abdul has a Sony Betamax recorder from 1985. We operate on generator power! You really have a lot of nerve!


Just get it out to Al-Jazeera or CNN, makes no difference which.


Will do. Talk witcha later.


Alright, we're almost done. Call the nut and tell him what the results will be.


Hello?


Kenny, baby!


Yes, Emperor? How can I be of service?


Just wanted to give you the results... heh... a little ahead of time. We're gonna win the House by three seats and the Senate by two. And Ken...


Yes, your eminence?


...make it look good in Ohio. Make it look close when you beat that clown for the Governorship. Close, but no recounts!


Yes, sir. It is both a pleasure and an honor to serve you, sir.


Okay, talk at you later.


Alright, last call and then it's nappy time. Speed-dial the shrieker.


Him again? We really set him off in '04...


Yeeeesssss? Who is this?


Howard, hey, it's me... G-Dub.


WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT???


Just wanted to congratulate you ahead of time. You're gonna take... AERRIRIGHGHGHIEEEEEEE!!! ...a bunch of seats in the House and Senate... ARGGHIEIEIEIEIEIEIIEIE!!!


Just STOP it already! The joke's been stale for more than two years now!


Ya gotta admit: it's a classic. Never gets old! Later, chump.


Argh! I can't believe this retarded chimp keeps pulling this stuff off.


Believe it, dimwit.


Satan? Is that you? Wake yourself up, Keith... wake yourself up... walk to the light...





Update: Welcome, Hugh Hewitt and Townhall readers (thanks for the linkage, Hugh!). If you enjoyed this flight of fancy, take a quick look around. More illustrated posts -- Classic Comics-style -- are listed at right, including "Tippity-top-secret transcript from the NSA Terrorist Surveillance Program" and "Presidential Jeopardy".

Oven-fresh good readin', just like Mama used to make:
Blogs for Bush: The Paranoid Left
Blue Crab Boulevard: Send the Chauffeur to the Barricades at Once!
Hugh Hewitt: Barron's Crystal Ball and Barney Frank's Portrait
New Editor: If the Dems lose, they'll take it to the streets
Rick Moran: Kennedy and other Liberals answer to a different morality
Riehl World View: My Dinner with Gore Vidal
RWN: Never a shortage of Nuts at a Liberal Dinner Party
Sister Toldjah: Why are Bush and Rove so dang confident?
STACLU: Kennedy and Andropov sought to unseat Reagan
Wizbang: Barron's: GOP holds on to Congress