Monday, March 26, 2007

Iran's Illegal Immigration Problem



Yes, the reports are true.


Fifteen illegal immigrants attempted to slip into Iran last week.


Fortunately, our border patrol agents were able to apprehend the intruders.


It's a common problem.


We call this our "mandatory guest worker" program...


...With a path to citizenship.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Democratic War Spending Bill: Defeat, Pork, and Discord



Ready to review the war spending bill? Just wanted to make sure it's got everything we talked about.


Absolutely!


Does it micromanage the war?


Check.


Undermine commanders by setting an arbitrary date for withdrawal?


Check.


Let terrorists know how long they need to hibernate until we leave?


Check.


Tick off our Iraqi allies?


Check.


(Rubbing hands) Good... very good.


How much in bribes -- I mean, incentives -- did we have to pay to get those votes?


Ah, don't worry about it. Only about $24 billion.


Was any of it related to the war?


MWAHAWAWAHHHWAWHAW!!! Whoooo!! Hehehehehe! Good one, Jackie boy!


Well? What was it?


$283 million for a milk program.


Milk?


It does a body good! And $74 million for peanut storage.


Peanut... storage?


Damn peanuts keep escaping. And we've got $60 million for salmon fisheries.


Uhm, salmon?


Omega-3, my unindicted friend - really pumps up your HDL! Oh, plus, $50 million for asbestos cleanup.


Nothing more urgent than the asbestos scourge. It's as bad as global warming!


And $13 million for lamb replacement.


That makes sense. Damn lambs need replacement, what with all of them... --er-- --uhm--- dying off.


$24 million for sugar beet producers.


That's because the sour beets have been taking their market share!


$40 million for tree assistance.


Those must be elderly trees. They need assisted living after the Bush health-care debacle.
s

$25 million for spinach growers.


Yup. After the e coli scare, those spinach growers need all the help they can get. You know, it's not just for breakfast anymore.


So, all of these --er-- extras were enough to convince our recalcitrant friends?


Yep, Congressman Peter DeFazio (D-OR) said so. He's one of many... we'd never have gotten the 218-212 margin without our, uhm, incentives.


I can't believe these Republicans are calling this "pork!" What a bunch of hypocrites!


I know! Thank heavens we've ended their culture of corruption!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Congressional Lost & Found


Can you help return these items to their rightful owners? The following items were found in the halls of Congress.

On the Republican Side of the Aisle
"GI Joe" Force RECON Marine

Includes: USA flag, belt-fed, man-portable automatic weapon, Javelin anti-tank weapon, NATO-style backback, M1911 .45 caliber sidearm, three spare magazines

On the Democratic side of the Aisle
"GI Jacques" French-speaking UN Soldier

Includes: White flag, guide book ("How to Surrender in 44 Languages including Arabic and Farsi"), and laminated pinup photograph of Yassar Arafat

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Line o' the Day


Editorial cartoonist Daryl Cagle's blog has carefully tracked the steady decline and fall of the Los Angeles Times (scroll down until you get to the story captioned Los Angeles Times - Ransom Note; unfortunately, there's no permalink). Cagle observes the disintegration of the Times using a personal aesthetic metric:

I've been watching my local newspaper, The Los Angeles Times, as it slowly crashes and burns. The paper is bleeding subscribers as their circulation plummets, hastened by terrible editorial decisions like firing their Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist, Michael Ramirez. Every part of the paper is degraded, week by week.


Not long ago, the Times went through a "re-design" that included their front page. I thought I would reproduce it here because so many graphic artists read our blog. Every first year design student knows that it is bad form to mix too many fonts. Beginners who get their hands on a computer for the first time are usually fascinated by fonts, and produce documents that look like ransom notes. If your church newsletter looks like a ransom note, you can be sure that it was designed by the pastor's sister-in-law on her new Macintosh. So it is with the Times' front page.

I grabbed the front page of yesterday's Times and counted the fonts - twenty two different fonts - just above the fold on the front page! (there are more different fonts below the fold, but I had to stop somewhere.) Check it out ...

Cagle dissects the horrific mess that is the Times' front page and concludes: My newspaper has turned into a ransom note while its disappearing readers have been kidnapped by the internet!.

Line o' the day?

I won't pay the ransom, go ahead and kill the Times.

It goes without saying: read the whole thing

Fred Thompson on Global Warming


Macsmind offers an outstanding quote from Fred Thompson, who is substituting for Paul Harvey:

Some people think that our planet is suffering from a fever. Now scientists are telling us that Mars is experiencing its own planetary warming: Martian warming. It seems scientists have noticed recently that quite a few planets in our solar system seem to be heating up a bit, including Pluto.

NASA says the Martian South Pole’s “ice cap” has been shrinking for three summers in a row. Maybe Mars got its fever from earth. If so, I guess Jupiter’s caught the same cold, because it’s warming up too, like Pluto.

This has led some people, not necessarily scientists, to wonder if Mars and Jupiter, non signatories to the Kyoto Treaty, are actually inhabited by alien SUV-driving industrialists who run their air-conditioning at 60 degrees and refuse to recycle.

Silly, I know, but I wonder what all those planets, dwarf planets and moons in our SOLAR system have in common. Hmmmm. SOLAR system. Hmmmm. Solar? I wonder. Nah, I guess we shouldn’t even be talking about this. The science is absolutely decided. There’s a consensus.

Ask Galileo...

Heh.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Al Gore's Testimony before Congress



Let me get this straight.


You want me to give up my private jet?


And sell two of my three homes?


Turn off my heated pool and the pool-house?


Sell my Lexus SUV and drive a Mitsubishi Galant, which emits less CO2?


Heh.


Dude, it's not just the Earth that has a fever.


You've been breathing too many Hummer emissions.


It may be a 'planetary emergency', but that sure as hell doesn't apply to jet-setting Oscar winners, like me and Tim Robbins.


Remember, I live a carbon neutral lifestyle!


The Earth may have a fever, but Carbon Offsets™ are the cure.


See, the theory behind Carbon Offsets™ is that you pay us to plant some trees, and flowers, and what-not, and it makes up for all of the pollution.


No, I'm serious! Stop laughing!


As I was saying, you pay us and we "offset" all of your pollution.


Don't forget: it's the end of the month! That's the best time to deal on carbon offsets!


And, remember, at Crazy Al's Carbon Offset Sale, we're slashing prices on carbon neutrality!


Thank you for your attention during this planetary emergency.


Do not drink alcohol while using carbon offsets. Together, alcohol and carbon offsets can be damaging to the liver. If you drink more than three alcoholic beverages a day, talk to your doctor before using carbon offsets.


Postscript on Carbon Offsets: a wide range of respected scientists, environmentalists, researchers, agriculturalists, and activists believe that carbon offsets are a "scam", "fantasy", "fiction", "nonsense", "fraudulent" and worse. And they've been saying so since 2000, though to read the newspaper you wouldn't know it. Read 'Is Al Gore's Inconvenient Fiction a $250 Billion Scam?' for more details and make up your own mind.