Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Water-cooler. Show all posts

Friday, March 26, 2010

Obscure centrist blog breaks into Alexa's top 100K website ranking, shocking critics and defying Nancy Pelosi's double-secret probation

I want to thank my Mom, who pressed reload over one million times, to get me to this Alexa ranking:

In all seriousness, getting to a top 100K Alexa rating is quite a benchmark. There are a zillion folks who've been absolutely awesome over the thirty or so years I've been blogging. First off, the amazing Larwyn, who kept pumping me up with encouragement and advice when I had six regular readers (I'm up to eighteen now).

Major, major thanks go to the brilliant Michelle Malkin, the amazing Glenn Reynolds, the inspirational Hugh Hewitt, the incredible Jim Hoft, the genius John Hawkins, the outstanding Mark Tapscott, the stunning Anchoress, Thomas Lifson & Clarice Feldman, Roger L. Simon, Kim Preistap & Lorie Byrd, Andrew Breitbart, Don Surber, Dan Riehl, ReliaPundit, Fausta, Ed Driscoll, William A. Jacobson, Pundette, Rob Port, the peerless Rush Limbaugh, the great Mark Levin, Don Rickles' PR folks, Papa B, Dan from New York, Victor the Contractor and likely dozens of others I've inadvertently omitted.

In short, thanks. I'm on a mission to do my own tiny part to preserve the Republic. Just a warning: those who humor me are only encouraging this behavior.


Wednesday, March 03, 2010

It's VIRGINIANS, Stupid!

Papa B sent this one in:

When Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met at the Pearly Gates. George slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beating al-Zarqawi with a long cane, and who snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, he beseeched Allah, "This is not what you promised me."

Allah replied: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"


Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Little-used 'Staple-and-bind' parliamentary procedure will allow Democrats to pass health bill with just nine votes in House, three in Senate

(Washington DC - RNN) Democrat insiders say that an obscure parliamentary procedure known as "Staple-and-Bind" will be used as an alternative to pass a health care overhaul should reconciliation efforts fail. "Staple-and-bind" refers to the final act of preparing legislation, using an industrial-grade stapler and a three-ring binder, for shipment.

"We take a trivial piece of legislation -- a resolution to honor Vin Diesel for his lifetime acting achievements, for instance," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

"At the very last second, the instant before we staple and bind the legislation, we can insert as many pages of new law as will fit in the binder," she said, "This will allow us to pass a meaningful, bipartisan health care reform bill that will benefit all Americans with just nine votes in the House and three votes in the Senate."

Politico's Mike Allen reported late this afternoon that Senate staffers were scouring the District for the largest American-made three-ring binder, the Avery Royale Deluxe. It is widely believed that the Royale is the only binder large enough to contain the entire 2,770-page health care reform bill.

Congressional Democrats have also purchased a Staple Jihad 5000 Nail Gun, the only street-legal stapler capable of binding the massive legislation. The propane-powered stapler can penetrate up to 3,000 8.5" x 11" pages, which leaves room for Democrats to nationalize other aspects of medical delivery including dentistry, veterinary medicine and crystal healing stones.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Bill Ayers' Bathroom Reading

I'm pretty sure this rag is published by the Sulzberger family.


Which would explain a lot.

I hear that Bernadine "The Shrew" Dohrn has to hide the hand towels when the new copy arrives each month. Her hubby Billy Ayers has a habit of disappearing with the fresh issue for a half hour or so.


Fun with the White House Flickr Feed

9:03AM WATCHING THE NEWS

10:44AM MEETING WITH ECONOMIC ADVISERS

11:34AM REFLECTION BEFORE LUNCH

2:12PM AFTER LUNCH BREAK

5:43PM HEADING BACK HOME

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

This is not the boat ramp I once knew

Victor the Contractor:

Its was this guy's first boat, but he wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat at the ramp.

However, he figured it couldn't be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his union office for advice, and they just told him: "Don't let the trailer get too deep in the water when you're launching your boat".

Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he just could barely get his trailer in the water.

They walk among us, get married, have children and vote! The sticker on his back window explains everything.



Monday, February 22, 2010

"I had to go to the emergency room!"

Victor the Contractor writes:

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me five hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.........

The whole crew got up and left and I never got my order...

Hey, don't blame the messenger!


Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Little Housekeeping

My seven regular readers may have noticed the recent changes in the format of this august journal. The intent is to improve readability, reduce scrolling and annoy liberals.

As always, if you have feedback, please leave comments or email me -- any critiques are welcome. Except from liberals.


Friday, February 19, 2010

Mitt Romney Used 'Vulcan Death-Grip' on Idiot Rapper

Some rapper no one has ever heard of says Mitt Romney used a 'Vulcan Grip' on him after a bizarre incident involving Cheetos, chicken wire and a Jiffy Lube gift certificate.

Sky Blu says Romney drew first blood. Well, he said Romney grabbed him after angrily telling him to move his seat up.

"He grabs my shoulder .. and I just react BOOM get off me!" Blu told the video camera. "He put a condor grip on me. What am I supposed to do?"

"That's like a Vulcan grip," offered his bandmate Redfoo.

"Like a Vulcan grip," Blu concurred. "I'm not your prey. I'm not a salmon going upstream. You're not going to grip me up."

Blu, clad in his underwear while telling the story in a hotel room, went on to say that during the maelstrom Romney's wife screamed, he (Blu) threw in a few cuss words and that the cops didn't buy his version of the incident.

"The man assaulted me. I was protecting myself," he said.

Wow. No one would ever figure this for a P.R. ploy.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men

In light of Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women, Solo writes:

One of the women in my unit read this and felt compelled to retort: 10 Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men

1. You can easily trade that snubby in for something with a longer barrel.

2. You can keep a gun clean with a little Hoppe's and some elbow grease.

3. A gun never complains about the fit of its holster.

4. A gun doesn't need to watch a bad Western on video before you take it to the range.

5. Too many rounds and shots over the years don't cause the trigger guard to grow and sag.

6. You can carry a gun in your pants all day without it becoming a pest.

7. A gun doesn't complain if you want to spend more than 15 minutes at the range.

8. Emission of noxious gases is always under your control.

9. A gun doesn't call you a tease after you do a bit of dry fire.

10. A gun doesn't need to take a nap after each shot.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

Papa B:

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22 AND nobody gets hurt.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road AND nobody gets hurt.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman is...

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

Fortunately my wife never reads my blog.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Wanted: Finely Crafted, Disguised Firearms



Tragedy in DC as snow-plow uncovers ice block containing frozen Al Gore

(Washington DC - Ross News Service) - The mystery surrounding the whereabouts of former Vice President Albert Gore, Jr. was put to rest today with a grisly discovery. A snow-plow driver unearthed the frozen carcass of Gore earlier today at an undisclosed location near the Smithsonian Institute.

"I was jes' plowing the edge of the street when KA-BLAM! -- I ran right into a block of ice frozen as solid as Bea Arthur," said veteran DC plowman Greg Bishop.

"Looked to me like he was trying to get into the Smithsonian -- he had a map and everything, like he was tryin' to find the exhibit on global warming."


Oops: Hippie Critic had the same idea... earlier than me and better than me.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Straight Out of Dixie

Yup - you guessed it. Papa B got out of prison long enough to email us this one.

The South - You Gotta Love It


Alabama


A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind.. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

Georgia


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana


A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi


The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina


A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back... He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee


A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas


The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North




Thursday, February 11, 2010

Monday, February 08, 2010

New Car for Women Defies Even the Most Persistent Thief

Bernie sent this one in:

Renault and Ford are working on a jointly produced vehicle targeted at women.

It merges the Clio and Taurus platforms and reportedly will be branded as the Cliotaurus.

According to a press release, the typical thief will be unable to find the vehicle, even if someone tells him exactly where it is.

Hey, don't blame me, I'm just the messenger. Can I at least get a rimshot?

Monday, February 01, 2010

MacGruber Saves ObamaCare

MacGruber!

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials...

MacGruber!

The guy's a frikkin' genius...

MacGruber!

V/O: The Secret Headquarters of Obama Advisers David Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel

MacGruber, we almost have the health care bill sewed up! Finally, after decades of trying...

...We just have to play it safe for another week or so, until Martha Coakley takes The Kennedy Seat.

Don't worry, Annie! I've got a great plan that is guaran-damn-teed to save Coakley's campaign!

What the hell are you smoking, MacGruber? All we have to do is not make any mistakes --

Shut up, Jesse! We've got no time to lose... get Chuckie Schumer on the line!

We'll have Schumer label Scott Brown "a far right tea-bagger"!!

One word from Chuckie and it'll seal us a 60-seat maj--

******KERBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!******

MacGruber!