Doug Ross @ Journal

The Alpha Email Collection, Part 705

I found a couple of old emails from my Alpha days.

Email #1: Guinea Pig Policy

After Alpha posted a lengthy Dog policy (I believe Fridays you could bring your dog into work, subject to a plethora of rules), Gerry sent me and Dave this email.

Alpha has decided to adopt the same Guinea Pig policy that several other liberal software companies in the area have developed. This policy is as follows: 1) Live Guinea Pigs must be immersed in a mixture of water, pet shampoo and Lubriderm for 10 minutes before entering the building. This cuts down on the dander typically released by the animal, gives it a shiny coast, kills fleas, and usually the animal itself. They must be on a leash and are not allowed in the weight room or in the reception area. 2) Recently dead guinea pigs can be brought in after laundering them in a washing machine through a wash, rinse and spin cycle. The remains may be brought on a leash only. Drag marks must be cleaned up by the owner. 3) Decomposing guineas pigs may be brought in only when wrapped in wax paper, sealed in a ziplock bag and frozen overnight. The animal must remain in the freezer at Alpha all day except when the owner takes it out for a walk (or lunch). Frozen remains left on one's desk will be discarded. 4) Stuffed guinea pigs may be placed on the owner's desk as long as the animal has been properly dried, treated and stuffed. These make good paperweights, pencil holders or 'Nerf' [tm] style footballs. 5) On the second Friday of July, Alpha will sponsor the annual "Guinea Pig Fandango". Prizes for biggest, fattest and ugliest will be awarded along with the "Stupid Guinea Pig Tricks" and Guinea Pig Toss competitions. 6) While this policy embraces our furry rodent friends, animals that step out of line will be tossed in the disposal in the lunchroom. Thank you for your attention.

Email #2: Shiftless Frivolity

Let me paint the picture for you: our Marketing Department took some photos, taken inside Alpha, with some of the better looking employees as models. I can't remember the purpose -- perhaps there wasn't a good one -- but one photo in particular was perfect for a "fill in your own caption" contest.

It showed Selwyn standing over a conference room table, presenting to Bob H and Karen, positioned as if they could even fathom what he was talking about. Just kidding. Anyhow, Bob solicited dialogue from everyone in the company and sent out a "best of" email shortly thereafter.

Some of the ones I found entertaining:

From Terry

What Bob and Karen hear from Selwyn: "We must start working toward blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. What do you think, Karen? Bob: [to himself] "Whew, I'm glad he asked her." Karen: "I think Bob could answer that better." Bob: "...I think we should ask Richard." Selwyn: "You're both fired. I should have hired more development type people.

From Laura

Selwyn: Karen, why is it that Bob has nothing better to do than send useless emails to everyone in the company? And who dresses him? Karen: Didn't you hear there was a big scandal at the Garanimals factory? Massive amounts of tag switching were done, apparently at random. Bob is living proof that white collar crime is not a victimless crime. Bob: Hey, leave me alone! My butt hurts and I've got emails to send!

From Pete

Selwyn: (Interpret the smile as an evil sarcastic grin) "I've had it with marketing's shiftlessness! If you don't get back to work now, I am going to rip off your heads and feed them to development!" Bob: (stunned silence) Karen: (stunned silence)