Doug Ross @ Journal

Johnny Kerry's Tall Tale, as seen in True Windsurfing Magazine

My entry in the Kerry Tall Tales contest, as published in True Windsurfing magazine:

You’ve heard about Paul Bunyan, the greatest lumberjack of all time. And you’ve heard about Pecos Bill, the greatest cowboy. Now let me tell you about Johnny Kerry, the world’s biggest, fastest, bestest wind surfer you've ever heard of. You’d better believe Johnny was biggest! Why, he was six feet four inches tall with shoulders to match, and he weighed two hundred and five pounds, even without his board. And fastest? Just give him a pond and a few seconds. Flip! Flop! He'd be sailing away, tacking back and forth with the greatest of ease. And you bet Johnny was bestest! That was on account of his spandex. No one else ever cut through the wind the way Johnny did. In fact, some folks said he was a little too good. Johnny’s trouble started with the big storm up in Lowell, Massachussetts. “Johnny, the sky's turning dark!” said Mizz Theresa, the owner of the local Windsurfing club. “Why, it'd be near suicide to windsurf on the lake in this storm!” "Never you mind, Mizz Theresa," boomed Johnny, "a little wind never hurt no one." And sure enough, Johnny sailed right through that storm even though he got his board going so fast you could hardly see him. The story got around, but most folks just laughed, figuring Johnny had just gotten lucky, tacking back and forth with the shifting winds. “Amazing!” said Mr. Blather, the local newsman, “He changed positions on that thing so fast, I couldn't hardly even see him!". But a couple of days later, Johnny got news of a really big storm headed in. Mizz Theresa didn't let up. “Johnny, do not go out there! I hear there's tornados done sprung up out of this storm!” "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it," guffawed Johnny with an ear-to-ear grin, "I've got my lucky spandex on!" And, sure enough, he went out to face the most wicked storm anyone around those parts remembers. Lo and behold if a tornado didn't touch down! And it was right at the edge of the lake right when Johnny was criss-crossing it, full speed. The tornado was moving lickety split... right at Johnny Kerry! The townspeople, what few of them were there, remember what happened next like it was yesterday. Johnny went back and forth, faster and faster, shifting positions faster than the eye could see... until he unwound that darn tornado and sent it back up into the sky, where it was never heard from again! Johnny's been moving fast ever since. Of course, if you can't see him, it might because he's changed positions out there. Because whenever there's a little bit of wind, Flip! Flop! Johnny's windsurfing away, without a care in the world.

Kerry's Tall Tales Contest