Doug Ross @ Journal

Al Gore's Testimony before Congress

Let me get this straight.


You want me to give up my private jet?


And sell two of my three homes?


Turn off my heated pool and the pool-house?


Sell my Lexus SUV and drive a Mitsubishi Galant, which emits less CO2?


Heh.


Dude, it's not just the Earth that has a fever.


You've been breathing too many Hummer emissions.


It may be a 'planetary emergency', but that sure as hell doesn't apply to jet-setting Oscar winners, like me and Tim Robbins.


Remember, I live a carbon neutral lifestyle!


The Earth may have a fever, but Carbon Offsets™ are the cure.


See, the theory behind Carbon Offsets™ is that you pay us to plant some trees, and flowers, and what-not, and it makes up for all of the pollution.


No, I'm serious! Stop laughing!


As I was saying, you pay us and we "offset" all of your pollution.


Don't forget: it's the end of the month! That's the best time to deal on carbon offsets!


And, remember, at Crazy Al's Carbon Offset Sale, we're slashing prices on carbon neutrality!


Thank you for your attention during this planetary emergency.


Do not drink alcohol while using carbon offsets. Together, alcohol and carbon offsets can be damaging to the liver. If you drink more than three alcoholic beverages a day, talk to your doctor before using carbon offsets.


Postscript on Carbon Offsets: a wide range of respected scientists, environmentalists, researchers, agriculturalists, and activists believe that carbon offsets are a "scam", "fantasy", "fiction", "nonsense", "fraudulent" and worse. And they've been saying so since 2000, though to read the newspaper you wouldn't know it. Read 'Is Al Gore's Inconvenient Fiction a $250 Billion Scam?' for more details and make up your own mind.