Ask Ayman!

Al Qaeda's #2 lamb-lover Ayman Zawahiri has promised to answer a series of questions posed over the Internet. Some 900 questions have been submitted to an Al Qaeda website since December. In another exclusive, our Junior Cub Reporter (Level II) Biff Spackle gained access to the secret question database before it even got to Zawahiri. Some randomly selected questions:

Dear Dr. Zawahiri:

Can you please tell George W. Bush publicly that you and Al Qaeda have never been in Iraq so we can win the presidential election next year?

Best Wishes, Nancy P., SF, CA

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Dear Dr. Z,

Have you ever considered writing for a centrist blog like mine? I think your personality, wit, charm and intelligence would be a phenomenal addition to our site.

Ta ta, A. Huffington, LA, CA

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Dear Mr. Ayman,

I say that waterboarding is torture, but my GOP colleagues tell me that your insurgents use blowtorches, pliers, acid, and electric cables on your victims. Is that true and, if so, do you think any of those things are as bad as waterboarding?

Sincerely, Mr. C. Schumer, New York

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Dear Dr. Qaeda,

Can you guys do something really, really crazy to get me out of the headlines for a while?

TIA, M. Ahmedinejad, Tehran

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Dear Mr. Doctor Zawahiri,

If your group happens to gain access to a nuclear weapon and detonate it in a western country, would you be so kind as to purchase some carbon offsets to make up for any thermonuclear warming that might endanger our snowcaps?

A. Gore, Belle Meade, TN

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Dear Dr. Zawahiri,

How can I help?

Sincerely, Keith O., NYC