Headline o' the day

We've got a winner: I’d Like To Report To Prison, But I Died:

[Hedge fund manager Sam Israel III failed] to appear at the prison where he is expected to serve time on Monday, ABC News reports that despite the message "Suicide is Painless" found scrawled in dust on the hood of Israel's car, it was believed that he is indeed still alive. (He abandoned the car near the Bear Mountain Bridge, in upstate New York, hoping that police would assume he had jumped to his death.) That same day, according to CNN, Israel's girlfriend Debra Ryan was arrested and admitted to helping him load up his possessions, as well as a motor scooter, into an RV.

Israel was convicted of stealing $450 million that belonged to the investors in a Bayou Management hedge fund...