Top Ten Reasons David Letterman Was Boinking His Staffers

10. Wanted to be known as the Eliot Spitzer of late night television
9. Helped overcome the bullying I received over my bizarre, gap-tooth grin
8. Paul Schaffer's fault: it was a bet over who could boink more underlings
7. As heir to the Letterman Condom fortune, I'm required to do all of the testing
6. Without this incident, my biography was too boring for an E True Hollywood Story
5. Hot Fresh Delivery isn't just for pizza!
4. Had to show Todd Palin who's boss
3. Would you believe... I thought this was an episode of "Punk'd"?
2. Does the phrase "stimulus package" ring a bell?
1. I thought Bubba Clinton legalized this years ago


With apologies to: David Letterman's Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Excuses.