ERIC CANTOR'S INSIDER TRADING KABUKI DANCE: Let's Call it the Beltway Hokey Pokey

Guest post by Sara For America

Back in 2012, Eric Cantor dazzled us with his STOCK Act Hokey Pokey. Today he is going to teach us how to do this clever dance game.

Background

To start, you will need a piece of important legislation drafted to make members of Congress, their families and staffers adhere to the same standards as other Americans. In this case, the STOCK Act; a bill that prohibited insider trading by Congress based on non-public information gained in their role as lawmakers. Both Democrats and Republicans agreed that passing this law would help restore confidence in government, because Congress was making money hand over fist by exempting themselves from securities laws applied to the rest of us. (I know, that’s horrible, isn’t it?)

Step One

Listen to all the pros and cons about the STOCK Act so you can decide how best to approach it without angering your base (that would be Wall Street).

You put your ear in, you take your ear out, you put your ear back in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!

Step Two

Pay particular attention to what your Wall Street buddies, and other deep pocket lobbyists think you ought to do. (Pay particular attention– with hand outstretched.)

You put your hand in, you take your hand out, you put your hand back in and you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and your turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!

Step Three

After all the other members of Congress agree on the details of the bill, you show up when nobody is paying attention, and submit a new version that has a loophole hidden in it. This loophole allows Congressional family members (including yours) to trade on insider information, which basically defeats the whole purpose of the bill. This is a pretty sneaky move, so in this step, put your hands on your hips and gloriously emphasize the big hip twist! Tweak it, baby!

You put your hip in, you take your hip out, you put your hip back in and you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!

Step Four

Now, just hang tight and see if anyone notices. Be careful when turning your back to the other dancers in this move; it’s best to keep looking over your shoulder at all times, while not losing balance. Go on about the business of being re-elected (while never agreeing to debate).

You put your backside in, you take your backside out, you put your backside in, and you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!

Step Five

When someone does notice, in this case CNN, and sets off a media firestorm, this is where you go all in. It’s as if the Hokey Pokey is in control of you now!! The moves are unintentional, they just happened, and how ludicrous to suggest there was something sinister going on otherwise! (This is a good place to try out your Indignant Face.)

You put your whole body in, you take your whole body out, you put your whole body in, and you shake it all about! You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!

Final Step

Just wait and things will blow over. They always do!

You do the hokey-pokey!!! You do the hooooooo-key-pokey! You do the Hokey.Pokey …..That’s what it’s all about!!

There now, you are a Hokey Pokey master too! Aren’t you proud of yourself?

That’s what it’s all about!

Note: Once you have mastered the dance, you won’t need this specific song. But the song is pretty fun.

Read more at Sara For America