'Who Is Larwyn?'

Many have called, emailed and even scrawled the question on hand-delivered notes: 'Who is Larwyn?', referring to the executive editor of our daily link roundups. Tired of the incessant questions, I forwarded one on to Larwyn. The response is delivered verbatim.

I have been called a dynamic figure because I am often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate sign language while weaving in and out of heavy traffic. I write award-winning operas.

I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I mesmerize people with my amazing trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an active member of the following Mafias: Italian, Russian, American, Canadian, French, British, Spanish, German, Scandinavian, Czechoslovakian, Yugoslavian, Ukrainian, Romanian, and Antarctican.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of the Foreign Legion, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.

In my youth, on Wednesdays after school, I used to repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookkeeper.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening-wear.

I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read The Holy Bible, Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in every supermarket in New York City.

I have performed several covert operations for United States intelligence organizations. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams.

I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have broken into and inhabited the Biosphere, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

There is more --- but much of it is too extreme to believe.