Congressional Lost & Found

Can you help return these items to their rightful owners? The following items were found in the halls of Congress.

On the Republican Side of the Aisle
"GI Joe" Force RECON Marine
Includes: USA flag, belt-fed, man-portable automatic weapon, Javelin anti-tank weapon, NATO-style backback, M1911 .45 caliber sidearm, three spare magazines

On the Democratic side of the Aisle
"GI Jacques" French-speaking UN Soldier
Includes: White flag, guide book ("How to Surrender in 44 Languages including Arabic and Farsi"), and laminated pinup photograph of Yassar Arafat

Line o' the Day

Editorial cartoonist Daryl Cagle's blog has carefully tracked the steady decline and fall of the Los Angeles Times (scroll down until you get to the story captioned Los Angeles Times - Ransom Note; unfortunately, there's no permalink). Cagle observes the disintegration of the Times using a personal aesthetic metric:

I've been watching my local newspaper, The Los Angeles Times, as it slowly crashes and burns. The paper is bleeding subscribers as their circulation plummets, hastened by terrible editorial decisions like firing their Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist, Michael Ramirez. Every part of the paper is degraded, week by week. Not long ago, the Times went through a "re-design" that included their front page. I thought I would reproduce it here because so many graphic artists read our blog. Every first year design student knows that it is bad form to mix too many fonts. Beginners who get their hands on a computer for the first time are usually fascinated by fonts, and produce documents that look like ransom notes. If your church newsletter looks like a ransom note, you can be sure that it was designed by the pastor's sister-in-law on her new Macintosh. So it is with the Times' front page. I grabbed the front page of yesterday's Times and counted the fonts - twenty two different fonts - just above the fold on the front page! (there are more different fonts below the fold, but I had to stop somewhere.) Check it out ...

Cagle dissects the horrific mess that is the Times' front page and concludes: My newspaper has turned into a ransom note while its disappearing readers have been kidnapped by the internet!.

Line o' the day?

I won't pay the ransom, go ahead and kill the Times.
It goes without saying: read the whole thing

Fred Thompson on Global Warming

Macsmind offers an outstanding quote from Fred Thompson, who is substituting for Paul Harvey:

Some people think that our planet is suffering from a fever. Now scientists are telling us that Mars is experiencing its own planetary warming: Martian warming. It seems scientists have noticed recently that quite a few planets in our solar system seem to be heating up a bit, including Pluto. NASA says the Martian South Pole’s “ice cap” has been shrinking for three summers in a row. Maybe Mars got its fever from earth. If so, I guess Jupiter’s caught the same cold, because it’s warming up too, like Pluto. This has led some people, not necessarily scientists, to wonder if Mars and Jupiter, non signatories to the Kyoto Treaty, are actually inhabited by alien SUV-driving industrialists who run their air-conditioning at 60 degrees and refuse to recycle. Silly, I know, but I wonder what all those planets, dwarf planets and moons in our SOLAR system have in common. Hmmmm. SOLAR system. Hmmmm. Solar? I wonder. Nah, I guess we shouldn’t even be talking about this. The science is absolutely decided. There’s a consensus. Ask Galileo...

Heh.

Al Gore's Testimony before Congress

Let me get this straight.


You want me to give up my private jet?


And sell two of my three homes?


Turn off my heated pool and the pool-house?


Sell my Lexus SUV and drive a Mitsubishi Galant, which emits less CO2?


Heh.


Dude, it's not just the Earth that has a fever.


You've been breathing too many Hummer emissions.


It may be a 'planetary emergency', but that sure as hell doesn't apply to jet-setting Oscar winners, like me and Tim Robbins.


Remember, I live a carbon neutral lifestyle!


The Earth may have a fever, but Carbon Offsets™ are the cure.


See, the theory behind Carbon Offsets™ is that you pay us to plant some trees, and flowers, and what-not, and it makes up for all of the pollution.


No, I'm serious! Stop laughing!


As I was saying, you pay us and we "offset" all of your pollution.


Don't forget: it's the end of the month! That's the best time to deal on carbon offsets!


And, remember, at Crazy Al's Carbon Offset Sale, we're slashing prices on carbon neutrality!


Thank you for your attention during this planetary emergency.


Do not drink alcohol while using carbon offsets. Together, alcohol and carbon offsets can be damaging to the liver. If you drink more than three alcoholic beverages a day, talk to your doctor before using carbon offsets.


Postscript on Carbon Offsets: a wide range of respected scientists, environmentalists, researchers, agriculturalists, and activists believe that carbon offsets are a "scam", "fantasy", "fiction", "nonsense", "fraudulent" and worse. And they've been saying so since 2000, though to read the newspaper you wouldn't know it. Read 'Is Al Gore's Inconvenient Fiction a $250 Billion Scam?' for more details and make up your own mind.

Line o' the Day

Title of Joel Achenbach's latest post:

Bring Me the Head of Sanjaya Malakar
Indeed. Achenbach goes on to ask, "The deeper philosophical question: Can a person sing so badly as to ruin the original? Or has "You Really Got Me Now" been slimed forever?" Affirmative.

Al Gore's 2nd Annual Carbon-Offset Going-out-of-Business Sale!

Ha. Mah name is Al Gore. You've heard me talk before about the dangers of global warming.


Put simply, humans have destroyed the Earth. While some blame cow poots and others point to solar storms, I know for a fact that the Chevy Impala behind me -- and millions of vehicles like it -- are solely, completely responsible for warming the Earth.


Scientists tell us that over the next five years, sea levels will rise by as much as three hundred feet.


When that happens, millions of folks like you and me will have to leave their Malibu beach homes and migrate to the Midwest. Yes. They'll have to immigrate to... ... ... Red states. No tofu. No pet spas. And lots of pickup trucks. Oh, the humanity.


And look at the glaciers behind me. Never, in the history of the world, have glaciers melted before. Never! Not even after the last ice age!


And, within the next five years, the entire world will be a barren desert reminiscent of Hillary Clinton's Rose Law files. Uhm, except for the parts that are completely underwater. Which will also be... a lot.


And anyone who says otherwise is an unscientific crackpot that should be... slaughtered like a baby seal --er-- I mean like a money-grubbing, American capitalist.


Scientists have also proven that humans caused Hurricane Katrina to explode out of the gulf with a fury never seen before, not even in Galveston, Texas.


But there's a way you can make a difference.


We've found a way that you can pollute all you want.


Yep, you heard me right. Pollute all you want.


With our amazing new product, Carbon Offsets™, you can pollute guilt-free!


How do they work? Say you fly cross-country. Just buy $66 worth of Carbon Offsets™ to make up for your flight!


We'll plant some trees and bushes and s***. So don't worry about it! We'll make up for all of that awful carbon dioxide you're expelling.


Wipe that skeptical look off your face!


What's it gonna take to get you into some Carbon Offsets™ today?


Just call 1-800-CARBON or surf to www.carb0wnt.com now!


Remember, pollute all you want, just so long as you make amends with Carbon Offsets™! It's the feel-good way to spew emissions!


If carbon offsets result in an erection lasting more than four hours, please contact Generation Investment Management.


Oven-baked good readin', just like Mama used to make:
Anchoress, BizzyBlog, Dan Riehl, Ecotality, Hang Right Politics, OTB, Rick Moran
Bullwinkle Blog, Captain's Quarters, Carbon Neutral Journal, Maggie's Notebook, Nuke Gingrich, Random Ruminations, Tax Man Blog

And they say no one can predict the future!

By gum, I'm out to prove "they" wrong. I can guaran-damn-tee that the following will take place within the next two weeks. I just wish my prescience worked on the stock market.


MSNBC's Keith Olbermann will demand that Hillary gets the troops to retreat faster; that Attorney General Gonzales throw himself into a giant margarita blender to make amends for the DOJ firings; and will name George W. Bush the "worst President ever" for standing under a Bong Hits 4 Jesus banner on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln.


CNN's Wolf Blitzer will praise the 'resilience' of the Iraq insurgency and describe how the surge ain't working, but will studiously avoid the use of any statistics (because, of course, they clearly show that the surge is working).


The NY Times' Maureen Dowd will, using her patented and well nigh unreadable style, extend her anti-administration op-ed streak to 75. In doing so, she'll use the respectful term "Bushies" four or more times while referencing the ethical integrity of Dan Rather.


The Boston Globe's Richard Cohen will verbally smack himself in the forehead for initially supporting the war; then proceed to pillory the administration, the troops, the poor quality of his George W. Bush Pez dispenser, and the taste of Coors Light Beer ("Coors Light... isn't that redundant?"). Cohen will also lift and reuse several entire paragraphs (using highly advanced "copy" and "paste" word-processing functions) from previous columns.

The Times' Nicholas Kristof will pillory Israel for the lack of progress in the Middle East peace process, despite Oslo Accords and the failure of Palestinian leadership to even acknowledge Israel's right to exist. Hey Nick, I suggest you validate your assertions by negotiating with a suicide bomber when you're buying a slice at Sbarro Pizza.

And they say no one can predict the future.

Gaffe o' the Day

Former actor Ben Jones, who played Cooter on Dukes of Hazzard, in an interview on The O'Reilly Factor:

Racism is something we've got to get behind... BEYOND! BEYOND!

Iran and the U.S.: transcript from secret negotiations

Our patented Blogoscopic™ technology offers us several advantages over conventional blogs. You know, blogs like LGF, Atlas Shrugs, and Gateway Pundit, which rely upon gathering facts, photos, and attribution. Unburdened with these mundane details, the Blogoscope's latest junket has scooped the world press.

You say you didn't know about the back-channel negotiations between Iran's President Ahmadinejad and a secret diplomatic representative from the U.S.? Try to control your excitement and scroll down very slowly to view this exclusive transcript.


You must know that Iran is a united, coherent and wise nation.


Some countries intend to introduce Iranians to the world as a violent nation with weapons.


We will not back down from our stance and we believe that nuclear energy is our inalienable right.


Would you consider a cultural exchange? For instance, Britney Spears might be available for a concert tour...


Could you throw in JT?


Timberlake? He's touring in Nashville. Maybe in a couple of months.


Well, we couldn't possibly suspend uranium enrichment for a panty-less washout alone.


We're also prepared to open up some Burger King franchises in Iran. You and the Mullahs would have full control of the menu.


So we could wage a jihad against bacon cheeseburgers?


Absolutely. In fact I've brought a completely halal whopper...


Is that what I've been smelling? It smells delicious!


Then, may I present...


...the halal whopper with Cheese and synthetic bacon?


That looks fantastic! Do you have some fries?


Absolutely, they're in the limo. Let me run down and get them.


...mmm... I can't wait for the fries... I'll just unwrap this burger...


**Hehe!** The exploding burger trick. It gets 'em every time. Negotiations... are... complete.