Channel 5 One Minute Action News
This is Biff Ripley and welcome to Channel 5's One Minute Action News... all the news you need in a minute or less.
Dear Bank of America, now that you encourage illegal aliens to open credit-card accounts, we've got a wager going here at the station. What's the next BofA marketing gimmick? Hezbollah-branded credit-cards or a line of credit for the Mullahs to build nukes?
Al Franken's running for the Senate. Watch out Neil Kinnock, Joe Biden's got a new b**ch!
A giant luminescent squid was photographed by a Japanese research team at a depth of over 750 feet. Can you say glow-in-the-dark sushi? Garnish with a little wasabi, turn out the lights, and -- oh, baby -- it's a rubbery taste explosion in your mouth!
What could possibly go wrong with slamming methadone while pregnant? I guess we now know the answer to that longstanding scientific question.
Finally, nothing spoils your morning like a JDAM slamming into the roof of your outhouse during the morning "read". This may explain reports that radical Shi'ite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr fled to Iran.
This has been Biff Ripley with One Minute Action News... when you don't have a second to spare.