Doug Ross @ Journal

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Al Gore's 2nd Annual Carbon-Offset Going-out-of-Business Sale!

Ha. Mah name is Al Gore. You've heard me talk before about the dangers of global warming.

Put simply, humans have destroyed the Earth. While some blame cow poots and others point to solar storms, I know for a fact that the Chevy Impala behind me -- and millions of vehicles like it -- are solely, completely responsible for warming the Earth.

Scientists tell us that over the next five years, sea levels will rise by as much as three hundred feet.

When that happens, millions of folks like you and me will have to leave their Malibu beach homes and migrate to the Midwest. Yes. They'll have to immigrate to... ... ... Red states. No tofu. No pet spas. And lots of pickup trucks. Oh, the humanity.

And look at the glaciers behind me. Never, in the history of the world, have glaciers melted before. Never! Not even after the last ice age!

And, within the next five years, the entire world will be a barren desert reminiscent of Hillary Clinton's Rose Law files. Uhm, except for the parts that are completely underwater. Which will also be... a lot.

And anyone who says otherwise is an unscientific crackpot that should be... slaughtered like a baby seal --er-- I mean like a money-grubbing, American capitalist.

Scientists have also proven that humans caused Hurricane Katrina to explode out of the gulf with a fury never seen before, not even in Galveston, Texas.

But there's a way you can make a difference.

We've found a way that you can pollute all you want.

Yep, you heard me right. Pollute all you want.

With our amazing new product, Carbon Offsets™, you can pollute guilt-free!

How do they work? Say you fly cross-country. Just buy $66 worth of Carbon Offsets™ to make up for your flight!