Cowbung Offsets help fight global warming

 
The Sun reports that European governments are doing their part to curb global warming. British members of Parliament have asked the European Commission to examine, "the livestock question in direct connection with global warming":

The official EU declaration demands changes to animals’ diets, to capture gas emissions and recycle manure... They warned: "The livestock sector presents the greatest threat to the planet."

Al Gore's new invention -- the Cow-Cork™ -- promises to help address the problem. The Cow-Cork can capture an entire day's worth of cow emissions in a compact, cost-effective form-factor.


However, the splinter group called People Against the Slavish Subjugation of Germs, Animals, and Stones (or PASS-GAS, for short) are protesting the plan. They claim that the act of capturing and harnessing innocent animals' air biscuits is a fundamental violation of their rights.

PASS-GAS spokesperson Flower Moonbeam stated that, "these animals don't launch 'trouser trumpets' voluntarily. They may rattle a few windows from time to time and sound a 'cheek flapper' on occasion. But let's be fair. They're not inside the house blasting 'floorboard lifters' or sealing the car windows in pursuit of a 'rolling Dutch Oven'.

We therefore believe that humans should buy Cowbung offsets, the livestock equivalent of Carbon Offsets. Animals should break free, like the wind. And people everywhere can help, simply through their purchase of Cowbung offsets, which are on sale now at Cowbunga.com."

Al Gore was unavailable for comment at press time.


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The Tenet quote you won't see in the New York Times

 
Lorie Byrd, writing at Wizbang, takes note of a curiously underreported segment of 60 Minutes' Tenet interview:

SCOTT PELLEY, CBS' "60 MINUTES": January '03, the President, again: "imagine those 19 hijackers this time armed by Saddam's Hussein," is that what you're telling the President? GEORGE TENNET: No. [narrating voice] The Vice President up the anty, claiming Saddam had nuclear weapons when the CIA was saying he didn't. PELLEY: What's happening here? TENNET: I don't know what's happening here. The intelligence community's judgement is he will not have nuclear weapons until the year 2007, 2009. PELLEY: That's not what the Vice President is saying. TENNET: Well I can't explain it. Am I missing something or did Tenet basically say that if Saddam had been left in power, it is likely he would have a nuclear weapon today? ...Maybe Pelley and Tenet think we should have waited until 2007 to address that threat, then if our estimates were off by a year or three and Saddam had the bomb in 2004, then oopsie, tough break.

Bill Clinton will be named Pope before we'll see The New York Times call attention to this aspect of the Tenet interview or several other trivial little details:

• At least 20 serious attacks on the U.S. thwarted by CIA (analysts say far more in total)
• Al Qaeda made two attempts to get nukes from Pakistan
• Al Qaeda called off a subway gas attack in NYC because "a bigger and better attack" was being planned
• Bush argued heavily with the so-called "neocons" over what to do about Iraq

And don't look for a related op-ed with the byline of Maureen Dowd on it. Her pathetic, partisan excretions need to include four or more references to the terms "Wolfie", "Rummie", and "Bushies" for her to consider it giggle-worthy-cute.

Line o' the Day: John Edwards' Brutal Workout

 
Dean Barnett nominates his 2008 campaign quote of the day! While it's still early, I'd tend to think that this is the odds-on favorite to take the overall crown.

...our winning quote of the day comes from a NYT Magazine interview with hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons: I talk to John Edwards more than I talk to any [other Presidential candidate]. He has said more things about the conditions we need to think about. He went to yoga with me. He did the whole class, an hour and a half. He sweated like crazy. He's in good shape, but it was hard on him.

Yes, you've guessed it. We've got an exclusive shot of John sweatin' to the oldies in a brutal, testosterone-laced yoga workout.

Oops. You're right: Richard -- not Russell -- Simmons was responsible for Sweatin' to the Oldies. My bad. Oh -- and a big hat tip to Larwyn, who notes that Edwards' position may explain some of the Dems' pretzel logic.

Meet the Press: Harry Reid's Plan for America

 
Senator Reid, many on the right side of the aisle took you to task for saying the war is 'lost'. How do you respond to your critics?

No one wants to succeed in Iraq more than I do, but this war cannot be won militarily. It must be won diplomatically, via earmarks, and backroom political corner-cutting.

But can negotiation be expected to dampen the ever-growing threat of global extremism?

We on the left side of the aisle believe war never solved anything.

You mean 'war never solved anything' except for ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism?

Don't be a smart-ass, Tim. You know what I mean.

Not sure that I do, Senator. How does calling the war 'lost' help anyone but Al Qaeda?

The truth will set you free, Tim. How can our military possibly stand up to the terr-- uhm, insurgents' -- awful weapons of AK-47s, suicide bomb-belts, and old artillery shells? Their weapons are too powerful, their tactics too sophisticated, and their goals too evil for us to prevail!

Senator, where do we draw a line in the sand, so to speak? Global Islamic totalitarianism has been on the march since 1979 with the Iranian Hostage crisis and continues to escalate...

We Democrats and our friends in the mainstream media believe that terrorism is a criminal enterprise. We think the RICO statute and the prosecution of Junior Soprano are lynchpins in our anti-terror operations.

So you would treat the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, Bali, Beslan, Madrid, London, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Israel, Mumbai, Kashmir, Thailand, Darfur, Somalia, Australia, Indonesia, and the Philippines as criminal investigations?

Exactly. These are all separate incidents that require their own, independent investigations. And that's why we've demanded that the President ask the City of Las Vegas for access to CSI's Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes, and Catherine Willows.

Errr... but, Senator, they're fictional characters. They're not real forensic detectives.

No matter -- think how impressed the media will be... think of the photo opps... when that team steps off a private jet in Abu Dhabi or wherever the next terrorist attack is! Picture this: a closeup of Catherine de-planing. She's wearing sun-glasses, walking down the steps in a desert wind, her hair framing her face, her clothes whipping about her, accentuating her figure, her leather chaps gently caressing her thighs...

Back to Iraq, though - what do you say to critics who point out that actual military losses pale in comparison to typical peacetime fatalities?

Like Twain said, there are lies, damn lies, and damn right wing conspiracy statistical lies.

But, sir, how would you deal "diplomatically" with terrorists who seek our destruction?

Oh, that's easy, Tim! We seek out moderate terrorists!

Moderate terrorists?

Yes, they only blow up old people and farm animals.

So, if we do negotiate a withdrawal with moderate terrorists, how do you propose to protect the U.S. from the real extremists, who are likely to strengthen and follow us back here?

I'm glad you asked that, Tim. I call my plan Operation Invisible Maginot Fence. It involves building a series of fortified installations at all major ports -- something this administration was loathe to do -- that can protect the American people from nuclear weapons, hurricanes, and Wal-Mart's low-cost imports.

Well, thank you for your time, Senator Custer -- I mean Senator Reid. I know you have a pressing appointment...

Indeed I do. I've got an interview with Al-Jazeera television. And I'm hoping to take my message -- that the war is lost -- directly to the Arab street in the hopes that the terr-- uhm, insurgents -- leave us alone. I call this Operation Neville Pelosi Chamberlain and it's guaranteed to succeed, at least until the '08 elections are over!


Update: Welcome Gateway Pundit, Pajamas Media, and Wizbang readers! At right you'll find some additional illustrated posts, including Presidential Jeopardy and Al Gore's Second Annual Carbon Offset Going-out-of-business-Sale!.

The Democratic Position-o-meter

 
It's Hillary and the Triangulators... in Concert!

If this pathetic posse of triangulators shifted shapes more often, they'd be considered a new species.

Lewis Black on Hollywood Enviro-frauds

 

This clip from Comedy Central is an instant classic (hat tip: Newsbusters).

Al Gore in concert

 
The Earth has got a fever and the only cure is more cowbell. Or maybe some carbon offsets, which will do about as much good as the cowbell.

Harry Reid through history

Reid at Valley Forge: But, General Washington, this war is lost, I tell you! General Cornwallis will treat us with dignity if we only raise the white flag now!

Reid with William Henry Harrison: Tippecanoe and surrender, too!

Reid at Gettysburg: Four score and seven years, my a**! This war was lost three years ago!

Reid at the onset of the Spanish-American War: Remember the Maine... and the fact that it's time we surrendered! ¿Se Habla Español?

Reid in the Argonne Forest: Over here! Over here! We are losing badly over here!

Reid at Pearl Harbor: Do you see? Do you see?? How can we possibly fight the Imperial Japanese war machine? This war is over!

Reid during an Alien Invasion: It's pointless to fight these beasts! We must surrender to survive!

* * *
If the likes of Harry Reid had accompanied George Washington in 1776, we'd still be subjects of the British crown.

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Line o' the Day

"What I think Senator Reid has lost sight of...
Presidents don't lose wars.
Political parties don't lose wars.
Nations lose wars.
And, when nations lose wars, nations suffer."

                          --Senator John McCain, April 24, 2007 (hat tip: Gateway Pundit)

Al Gore's latest plan to combat Global Warming

Ha. Ah'm Al Gore. As you know, it's gettin' hotter than hell around here.

That's why I've been telling y'all about global warming.

Skeptics will tell you that because the Earth exists in the Sun's "atmosphere," solar cycles are responsible for warming the Earth.

Let me assure you that is utter propaganda designed to damage my --er-- the world's investment in carbon offsets.

I'll admit, though, that the Sun is playing a minor role, a very minor role -- after humans, of course -- in warming the Earth.

But one of my inventions -- no, it's not the Internet, silly! -- may be able to solve the problem.

I'm talking Gore-Tex™, my miraculous invention made of recycled Llama hair and space-age petroleum byproducts.

I've devised a plan to use Gore-Tex to shield the Earth from the Sun's harmful rays.

Think of it as a pair of Ray-Bans™ for our beloved Earth Goddess Gaia.

With my new foundation, Al Gore's Mission to the Sun, we're planning on a space-shuttle launch to deploy an enormous Gore-Tex shield that can protect the Earth from getting metaphorical skin cancer.

With its adjustable filtering, we can change it from a "sunblock level" -- scientists call this an SPF factor -- 30 to SPF 3. This will have a dramatic impact on global warming, along with outlawing cars.

The UN and the IPCC are telling me this idea is sheer genius. That's why I'm asking for your help.

We're looking for your contributions. Anything you can spare, be it $500, $100, $20, or even some carbon offsets... anything you have would be greatly appreciated.

Visit AlGoreMissionToTheSun.com or call 1-888-555-GOREIFY for more information or to contribute.

And, pass the Mint Julep, will ya, Tipper? It's gettin' steamy in here!