World Exclusive: Saddam Hussein's Last Interview
Imagine the future, Saddam. Because you're not in it.
Oh, and I've canceled all your appointments for this afternoon.
What the...? Wh... where am I?
Welcome to Gehanna, the portal to Hell. I am Iblis, the thrice-damned -
What the hell? I am a Martyr! Where are the virgins, feeding me honied figs?
Martyr? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. You did one heck of a job up there, what with the thousands of destroyed villages, millions of murdered and starved innocents, the chemical weapons, the rape rooms... let's just put it this way, you're going to be in some august company shortly.
No! This isn't right - I was a guiding light for my people. I just had to protect them from the unjust forces of -
Suurrre... like the unjust children who died in their Mothers' arms. Save it for someone who gives a crap, Saddam. Oh, like I was saying, you'll be joining Hitler, Pol Pot, and Stalin in the Acid Racks momentarily...
The... acid... racks?
Oh, the torture pits beneath the River Cocytus. The very lowest level of Hell. For twelve hours each day, you'll have acid --er-- inserted into your carcass while being flayed with barbed-wire whips. For the second half of each day, you'll roast on a spit as poisonous leeches bite your private parts. Not a great deal of fun, from what I understand.
But what about Rumsfeld and Cheney? George W. Bush and his father? Why aren't they here???
Oh, you Kos Kidz crack me up! Don't believe everything you read on the Left Wing blogs, Hussein. Far as I can tell, they're headed to a different floor of the afterlife. One upstairs, if you get my drift.
Excuse me, my BlackBerry's ringing. Yes, your eminence?
Send Hussein down to my office. I want a few moments to gloat before he goes to the racks.
Oven-fresh good readin', just like Mama used to make:
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