Doug Ross @ Journal

Antiques Auction Gets Punk'd

Idea for Saturday Night Live skit:

Scene: Antiques Auction in Memphis, TN. Lester Stack is a Nashville resident visiting the convention center. He is in line, carrying a painting of Elvis Presley -- the bloated, druggy Elvis from his later years -- on black velvet in an inexpensive, seventies-style wood frame. Lester is wearing a partially tucked flannel shirt, ripped jeans, and a cowboy hat. His cheek is bulging with chaw.

He is called out of line by Marcus Whitby III, an elegantly dressed gentleman who represents St. Michael's Appraisals of Manhattan. Whitby is immaculate, from the folded blue silk kerchief tucked into his Yves St. Laurent suit, to his Bally shoes, and his Brioni tie.

After introductions are made, the filming of the Antiques Auction segment begins:

Whitby: Mr. Stack, could you tell me how you acquired this piece?

Stack: My pappy gave it to me when I moved out of the double-wide into my own trailer. He said I needed something to decorate the walls. It's my favorite piece.

Whitby: Did your father ever tell you how he came across this work?

Stack: He won it in a card game, I think. Either that or he wrestled Bobby Joe Milton for it.

Whitby: So you really don't know much about the provenance of the piece?

Stack (stumped): Uhm... I guess... not.

Whitby: Let me tell you what I can determine... (turns painting over) we can see from this label and marking that the piece was resold, probably in a pawn shop. Note the label is from "Cash's Pawn" in Corbin, Tennessee. However, if we turn the painting back over to the front, notice the faint initials of LK. This is what we, as appraisers, yearn for. The lost painting of Elvis by Lucas Krypsuwski.

You see, there have been credible rumors for decades that the genius, the master, Lucas Krypsuwski had painted a single work of Elvis in his later years on black velvet. But no one, until this point, had ever substantiated this claim. No such picture existed so far as we could tell.

But, you, sir have found something we have longed for, yearned for! The proof that the genius Krypsuwski actually created such a work before he died in the great Milan-to-Paris train wreck of 1968. Yes, Krypsuwski, who painted the unparalleled masterworks of the "Orphan Backpacker" and "Still Life with Gin & Tonic"... (pauses, almost beside himself with joy)... well, I'm flabbergasted to see this lost painting found... and in such stunning condition!

In any event, can you venture a guess as to how much you think this is worth?

Stack: Uh... a grand?

Whitby: I won't keep you in suspense. The last time a Krypsuwski came up for auction, we recommended starting the bidding at $150,000. By the time the Japanese collectors were finished fighting for it, it sold for $275,000. And that was not a special, absolutely unique work like this one.

If you were to have this insured, I would recommend that you do so for a figure of $750,000.

Stack (speechless, mouth ajar): Uh... wow, holy sh*t, I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm frickin' rich!! Hey, boss, get stuffed, I'm quittin' - I've always hated you! You suck! Take your job and shove it! And Emmie Lou... I been cheatin' on you for five years! I'm leavin' you and goin' to Vegas... gonna buy a Viper... move out of the trailer park forever... this is awesome!

(Suddenly Ashton Kutscher pops out from behind a large, nearby Armoire): Dude, Lester! See that camera? You just got punk'd! You're on MTV! Whitby, how much is this painting really worth?

Whitby: I'd recommend spending no more than five to seven dollars on it. It's absolutely, stunningly bad. Virtually worthless.

(Roll credits as shots ring out in background)