Doug Ross @ Journal

Dude, Where's my Votes?

Man, I was so happy with our win, but then I found out that places like Democratic Underground are arguing that Bush stole the election once again. What? But what about all those votes? Well, Wikipedia even has a page up about how the election was stolen with charts and everything. Is something up? Well, I contacted my local wing of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy who patched me into the national arm of the VRWC. Then I got to talk to two people I shall refer to as Hacker1 and Hacker2. Here is the conversation: Frank: So, did we steal the election this time? Hacker1: Yeah, totally. We like rigged all the machines so there was no way we could lose. Frank: Why didn't you tell me we had it in the bag? I was like totally worried about this election! Hacker2: Sorry, dude, but we were like told not to spread it around too much. Hacker1: Yeah, we needed everyone to act like it was close and worrisome so no one would know we like totally hacked it. That Karl Rove is smart, dude; he knows how to run things. Hacker2: Yeah, Rove is totally evil and totally cool. Frank: So did you hack voting everywhere? Hacker1: Yeah, otherwise it would look weird if we only improved in the battleground states. Hacker2: Rove was completely in charge of all that. He even came in last minute and said, "Give them New Hampshire," and we were like, "Whatever." Frank: So was it hard hacking the vote? Hacker1: Sorta, but Diebold gave us easy to follow instructions. Hacker2: We totally owned all the votes. Hacker1: Totally. Hacker2: It was funny to see the Democrats try and cheat the old-fashioned way. They can bring in all the dead people they want to vote, but we'll just change their votes to Republican in the end. Hacker1: (laughs) I bet you didn't know this, but Michael Moore voted for Bush. Hacker2: (laughs) He doesn't know it either. Frank: But aren't people going to find out about this eventually? Hacker1: Not if we're careful, dude. Hacker2: First off, we're not going to hand out many landslides. It's going to be a bunch of real close ones so we can say to the Democrats, "Oh, that was so close. You really should try again." Hacker1: (laughs) We're going to drive them nuts...

Dude, where's my votes?