Monday, September 18, 2006

Rush vs. New York Times editor Bill Keller

I've got another world-exclusive: Rush Limbaugh's interview with New York Times executive editor Bill Keller. You can thank me later.

After months of negotiation, ladies and gentlemen, I've agreed to debate New York Times editor Bill Keller. Keller was a tough one to corral, but with the help of four Grey Goose martinis and some duct tape, we got him into the limo for a short ride to our studio.

Welcome, Bill.

My pleasure, Rush. May I just say that, while I disagree with virtually every one of your positions, I respect your ability to maintain a steady job while dealing with your *ahem* personal legal issues.

Well, I appreciate that sentiment, Bill, I really do. And may I say that my legal issues pale in comparison with repeated violations of The Espionage Act. And those are violations which, it's safe to say, you and your paper stand accused. Said violations carry a penalty up to and including 20 years in prison. How old will you be then, Bill?

Old enough that, even then, I will have never listened to your vaudevillian excuse for a radio show.

If I recall correctly, the Espionage Act made it a crime to convey information that would harm the operation or success of U.S. armed forces. And on December 16th of last year, the Times disclosed a classified terrorist surveillance program. Correct?

Before running the story we gave long and sober consideration to the administration's contention that disclosing the program would damage the country's counterterrorism efforts. We were not convinced then, and have not been convinced since, that our reporting compromised national security.

Let me see if I understand your math, Bill. Disclosing a program that actively disrupts terrorist attacks is okey-dokey... but accidentally blurting out the name 'Valerie Plame' merits thousands of column-inches?

I'll be straight with you, Rush. With Plame, I really thought we could nail Rove. We had him! We had him right in our greasy little hands... frog-march... indictment... Daily Kos...

Snap out of it, Keller! On June 23rd, the Times also disclosed a classified program to monitor international financial transactions that no one in their wildest imagination would claim was illegal. Now would those two 20-year sentences run consecutively?

It's not our job to pass judgment on whether this program is legal or effective...

You know, Keller, if you had the survival instinct God gave a goldfish, you'd glance over at the hole where the World Trade Center once stood. You must hate President Bush more than you hate terrorist murderers. So you're perfectly comfortable compromising national security programs - it might advance your agenda of nailing Karl Rove, right?

Rove... frog-march... Wilson... Fitzgerald... Plame... Armitage... *Gurgle*

Dammit, Keller, walk towards the light! Jiminy Cricket, you're delusional!

Put simply, Keller, your paper has done far more damage than Tokyo Rose ever did, and she was prosecuted! All I can figure from your disclosures is that you're trying to help the terrorists. Is that correct?

It's all your fault, wingnut! Why are you drawing so much attention to the story by yelling about it on the airwaves and the Internet? Who reads the Times, anyhow?

Well, it's clear from their talking points that the terrorists subscribe. By the way, Keller, if you're going to demand that the Pope apologize, how about asking for a similar apology from Armitage? What did he waste? Two-plus years of time? An administration falsely accused of a leak that was infinitely less damaging than those of the Times?

Hellooooooooooooo, anyone home?

Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales? What are you doing here? With a handful of federal agents, no less?

Rush, I think we all know why. It's time to frog-march Mr. Keller out of the studio and into federal lockup.

Cue the music, Rush!

(Singing) ...Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do...

Don't miss:
Anchoress: Benedict’s Supernatural Stand
Don Surber: Apologize to the pope
STACLU: Backlash At Pope Proves His Point
Sweetness & Light: Times demands Pope apologize
Thomas Sowell: Suicidal hand-wringing

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