Doug Ross @ Journal

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Transcript from the NSA terrorist surveillance program

Allo?

Jacques, is that you, baby? Are you calling from the secure line?

Oui, oui!

Ah, very good. Thanks for calling, babe. My trip to the U.N. is tomorrow...

I know zis. Remember to bring your -er- fromage.

My what?

Your fromage.

What in the name of Pope Benedict are you trying to say? We're on a secure line here!

Your checkbook, debile (moron)!

Yes, yes, I have the checkbook packed in my purse... I mean my Samsonite! Now... down to business. Did you get the email I sent you?

Which address did you send it to?

The old one that Saddam told me about -- OilForFood@gov.fr -- right?

That works. Hold on and let me bring it up on screen... [tap] [tap] [tap]... Always wondered this... what's the "pig done" key do?

It's "page down", Einstein... don't they have those "For Dummies" books in French? For the love of...

Okay, I've got it. I'm supposed to say, "We are committed to negotiations and therefore to dialogue. So we're not going to start by setting deadlines that are a few hours long... This is a process that is under way and I hope it will run its course."

You really think that will work? You've been skirting sanctions for two years now. How stupid do you think these guys are?

Believe me, it'll work. Think about your fans in the states. John Kerry. Madeline Albright. Al Gore...

Okay, don't rub my nose in it! When you're right, you're right. Anyhow, the rest of the statement I'm supposed to read is, "Dialogue must prevail... The international community must stand firm and united..."

Hehe... I always get a kick out of that line. Firm and united... in doing absolutely nothing.

That's good... real good.

*click* *buzz* *click*

Did you hear that?

Oui... what wazzat?

Thank you for calling Domino's, may I take your order? We're running a special today: order a large pizza with any topping and receive eight Fudgems, free!

I thought you said you called on the secure line?

Is the blue phone the secure one?

No, moron, the red phone is the secure line! Idiot!

I'll call you back!