Sunday, March 14, 2021

BIFF SPACKLE: I Tried All Three COVID-19 Vaccines At Once, Here Are My Reviews and Ratings

By Biff Spackle, Jr. Veterinary Anesthesiologist

In order to give readers the best overall perspective of the Wuhan Virus vaccine experience, I decided to try all three vaccines on the same day. Of course, this sort of thing is generally frowned upon by medical practictioners. But in the interest of true journalism™, I felt certain that readers of this august journal would welcome a new, bold form of reporting unfamiliar to the likes of Brian Stelter or Jake Tapper. Without further ado:

3rd place: Moderna
  • Packaging: The Moderna vaccine comes with an austere label, featuring black on white lettering with many numbers and letters that detract from the overall opening experience. The label was also applied at a slight angle, indicating its manufacturer favored speed over quality. Impression: Negative.
  • Tasting Notes: Moderna was medium-bodied, with whispers of elderberry and charcoal. The nose held a tiny whiff of suntan lotion accompanied by a complementary, yet distant, scent of old sneakers worn without socks. Impression: Neutral.
  • After Effects: As is widely known, Moderna is one of the new breed of vaccines employing mRNA technology. This may be coincidental, but the day after taking the first shot, I bench pressed a personal record of 335. Impression: Positive.


2nd Place: Pfizer
  • Packaging: The Pfizer vaccine inspired confidence with a bold blue and white label that was obviously applied with craftsmanship and care. Even the various tiny markings on the label were etched with attention to detail, like the perfectly etched heart emojis . Impression: Positive.
  • Tasting Notes: While the nose promised a sumptuous buffet of street tacos and lint, the actual experience was dominated by what appeared to be a blend of pistachios and bleach. A bit on the esoteric side, to me it pairs best with grilled lamb or Payday bars. Some have called the Pfizer experience a cold and calculating mistress of efficiency, and I will attest to the accuracy of that description. Effective? Yes. Pleasant? Less so. Impression: Neutral.
  • After Effects: Like Moderna, Pfizer is one of the new mRNA vaccines. While the full after-effects of Pfizer have yet to be fully understood, I did have a strong hankering for a Wuhan River cruise and General Gau's Chicken afterward. Impression: Positive.


1st Place: Johnson & Johnson
  • Packaging: As Ad Age has documented J&J spent millions designing its packaging. It showed. Its red-and-white slashes had an art deco feel, accompanied by a consummate attention to detail. Its typeface employed the timeless Comic Sans, imparting a light, refreshing tone to the package. Impression: Positive.
  • Tasting Notes: A nose of dark, smoky chocolate accompanied by hint of lox. The after-taste is a subtle blend of motor oil and Creme Brûlée. Stunning experience, well worth the prick. Impression: Positive.
  • After Effects: A more conventional vaccine, the J&J product is said to be the result of injecting chimpanzees with small amounts of jet fuel and Moo Shu Chicken. Its single-dose regimen, is of course, a marketing success after the $100 million ad campaign featuring the Netflix animated series, JJ, Virus-Hunter. Impression: Neutral.

Hat tip: BadBlue Uncensored News.


Strelnikov said...

Impression of reviews overall: Positive.

Matthew W said...


GhostRider said...

Impressive. Thanks for clearing it all up.