Friday, October 01, 2004

What is "The Global Test?"

Click here for Amazon!Many of my regular readers have written in, wondering what John Kerry meant when he refered to "The Global Test". For those who missed the debate, Kerry said, "the president always has the right... for [a] preemptive strike... But if and when you do it, have to do it in a way that passes the test, that passes the global test."

Through some friends at CBS News, I've been able to acquire a rare copy of The Global Test (hat tip: Danny... I owe ya one!). From what I gather, the Global Test was written in 1972 -- on a highly advanced typewriter (with proportional fonts, no less!) -- and reads as follows:

The Global Test

You have six minutes to complete the test. Please use a number 2 pencil to mark each of your answers. Turn your sheet in at the Front Desk of the UN Building when you have completed the test.

1) Your country is engaged in an unpopular war in Southeast Asia, but one which is necessary to contain Communism. Should you:

[] A) Attempt to gain a draft deferment
[] B) Join the US Navy's Swiftboat group because you think, "it's a way to avoid the action"
[] C) Game the Navy's system by reporting minor injuries in order to gain three purple hearts, which allows you to bureaucratically exit from the combat theater
[] D) All of the above

2) You are a veteran returning from a bitterly contested war and have an opportunity to publicize your views on the war. Should you:

[] A) Claim that your fellow soldiers, "personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals , cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Kahn, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the country side... "
[] B) Provide ammunition to the enemy with which they can torture American POW's to solicit confessions
[] C) Illegally meet with the enemy in France
[] D) All of the above

3) Your country is engaged in a 'Cold War' on Communism. Your president believes that the "Evil Empire" is susceptible to a massive arms buildup, which it cannot possible match. He also believes that such a buildup could bankrupt the Communist regime without a shot being fired and thus result in the spread of democratic freedom throughout Asia. Should you:

[] A) Stand up in the Senate and say, "The Reagan Administration has no rational plan for our military. Instead, it acts on misinformed assumptions about the strength of the Soviet military and a presumed 'window of vulnerability' which we now know not to exist."
[] B) Stand up in the Senate and say, "We are continuing a defense buildup that is consuming our resources with weapons systems that we don't need and can't use."
[] C) Stand up in the Senate and say, "the biggest defense buildup since World War II has not given us a better defense. Americans feel more threatened by the prospect of war, not less so."
[] D) All of the above

4) Your country is combating the Communist Sandanistas in Latin America. Should you:

[] A) Attempt to appease the Communists by publicly stating, "We believe this is a wonderful opening for a peaceful settlement…";
[] B) Conduct a pointless witch-hunt of Americans fighting Communists;
[] C) Call the American President's actions, "Barbaric"
[] D) All of the above

5) Your country is waging a global war on terror. Should you:

[] A) Insult our Allies, calling them a "coalition of the coerced and bribed"
[] B) Insult the leader of a free Iraq when he visits the United States to speak in front of Congress
[] C) Have your sister attempt to shake the confidence of our Australian allies
[] D) All of the above

6) For two decades, your country has armed itself to provide protection for the innocent, promote peace, and spread democracy throughout the world. Should you:

[] A) Vote against every significant weapons system over a 20 year period, including the B-1 Bomber, the B-2 Stealth Bomber, the F-14, F-15, and F-16 Fighters, the M1 Abrams Tank, the Patriot Missile, the AH-64 Apache Helicopter, the Tomahawk Cruise Missile, and the Aegis Air-Defense Cruiser, and others.
[] B) Attempt to curtail funding for every major Intelligence budget
[] C) During the rise of Bin Laden and global terrorism (1997), ask, "now that [the Cold War] is over, why is it that our vast intelligence apparatus continues to grow?"
[] D) All of the above

If you answered "All of the above" on each and every answer, odds are you're John Kerry!


Anonymous said...

I am fairly well informed.
Why do people ask which candidate I want for president?
They mention Bush or Kerry.
At this time I do not even know who is running for president. Sample ballots are still secret.
I know most people are deciding which of the 2 evil candidates are better. I am hoping an honest candidate is on the ballot.
Bush has proved himself a total failure.
Kerry has been a poor senator but never had the chance to fail as president. Who else is running for president?

DetectiveBlack said...

Nice post. I still get a kick out of the global test, especially since the UN is now making one (