A letter from Hillary

 

Dear Doug, I want to personally thank you for getting involved in my campaign. It is critical that we stay in touch as fast-moving events shape this important election. The stakes couldn't be higher, as you well know. Rest assured that I am prepared to do anything -- and I mean anything -- to win this election. Whether it means accepting money from down home folks named Hsu, Riady, Huang, or countless others with possible ties to the Chinese military... or just blaming a vast right-wing conspiracy every time something goes wrong, you can count on me. Because no matter what depths I stoop to in order to win, you can be sure it will be worth it. Yes, we can return to the heady days of the 90's, when there was no terrorist threat, we'd engineered a booming economy, and we'd eradicated corruption from Washington. I'm kidding. Yes, we pretended there was no terrorist threat, but wasn't that easier to manage? And, sure, Tim Berners-Lee invented the web and spawned a gold rush on the Internet - no thanks to Bill. And I'll admit we had the most corrupt administration in recent memory (thank heavens for Tammany Hall!). But wasn't it cool to have Steven Spielberg and Cher spending a night together in the Lincoln Bedroom? And global celebrities like Yassar Arafat visiting Camp David? Or the adrenaline-laced excitement of non-stop terrorist attacks? Let's face it - that was a more exciting America. We can return to those pre-9/11 days - and that's what this campaign is all about! So let's show everyone what we can accomplish together. Here's one thing you can do: display my special gift to you, a Hillary for President bumper sticker! Or just click here to visit my exclusive catalog of Hillary-branded patchouli, bongs, and salad spinners. If you're a well-compensated Hollywood executive, government-funded academic, or just a guilty liberal progressive with an extra $100K burning a hole in your pocket, please visit our high-roller website where you can join noteworthy alums like Norman Hsu and Marc Rich (hopefully you won't have to become a fugitive like them ;-). Once again, thanks so much for standing with me and proudly displaying your Hillary-branded bumper stickers, incense, moccasins, Colonel Mustard's Lonely Hearts Club jackets, energy drinks, hemp bracelets, fraternity paddles, joybuzzers, and kneepads (all proudly bearing "made in China" stickers!). Yours in victory, Sincerely, Hillary Rodham Clinton