Sunday, January 31, 2010

Cool Facts About Dick Cheney

Happened upon one of the classic threads -- circa 2005 -- at Ace of Spades.

• When it snows in Washington, Dick Cheney doesn't put chains on his tires, but instead uses hippies.

• Dick Cheney's favorite snack? Souls.

• Ants have the proportional strength of Dick Cheney.

• For the past 32 years during his family's Christmas dinner Dick Cheney has carved and served the turkey pardoned by the President at Thanksgiving.

• In most places where West Texas Intermediate (WTI) crude oil is pumped and sold, it is actually referred to by its more common name, "light, sweet Cheney."

• Dick Cheney was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, imparting to the spider Cheney-like powers.

• When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now".

• The only thing hard enough to cut Dick Cheney is Dick Cheney.

• While on a sex-spree in a Tijuana [brothel], Dick Cheney used a live cougar as a condom... The bodycount was fourteen Mexican [hookers] and one cougar... In Tijuana, they refer to this as "The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar-Man." Dick Cheney refers to it as "last Thursday."

• Bathes every night in the warm, viscous plasma of freshly killed Iraqi insurgents to keep his skin soft.

• After turning down an offer from Mafia Don, Cheney woke up with a horse head in his bed one morning. He grabbed it, held it like a teddy bear, and went back to sleep.

• It is widely believed that free-range chickens are far superior to captive ones, as they result in a more tender, juicy, healthful meal. Dick Cheney believes this too, but about homeless people.

• Dick Cheney refuses to obey the First Law of Thermodynamics on principle.

• Cheney's birth weight was 12 pounds 7 ounces, but had to be revised to 6 pounds 11 ounces after circumcision.

• Dick Cheney carries a leather bag filled with one tooth from the mouth of every man he's murdered in cold blood. The bag is forty feet in diameter and weighs approximately six tons. When Harry Reid pisses him off, he just points to his Big Bag O' Teeth and mouths out the words, "There's still room."

• Dick Cheney blocked the filming of The Lord of the Rings for forty years, because he deemed Elves "too f***ing faggy." Production could only begin once he was busy running for the Vice Presidency.

• Dich Cheney's measured, elegant speaking style belies the fact that he opens all Senate sessions with "Listen up, motherf***ers.", and then throws a gavel at Barbara Boxer.

• As CEO of Halliburton, executives from rival megacorporations would attempt to kill or capture Cheney to ransom him for Halliburton stocks. Cheney survived all 273 such attacks, his Wyoming ranch uses their skulls to mark his territory.

• His snarl was formed at an early age. While breastfeeding, he'd tell his dad to "Back the f*** off."

• In a bow to conservationsists, Dick Cheney converted his SUV. It now runs on orphans. And puppies. And orphan puppies. Also, it gets 1 mpg city, 3 freeway. And he never leaves the city.

• Doctors turn their head when Dick Cheney coughs.

• Most people don't know Cheney has a soft side. One time he executed a waiter at a resturant with a steak knife (the waiter was late coming with Dick's steak sauce). Saddened by what he had done, Cheney wept openly for a full minute. Then he cut out the waiter's heart and ate it, tears running down his cheeks.

• In quatrain X 75, Nostradamus wrote: A horse-like man, the king he'll rule - to take black gold in eastern soil - A name of chayne, fooler of fools - Anti-Christ to hats of foyle

• To this day, John Edwards often wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, terrified that the last thing he's going to hear before he dies is the words "Let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much."

• Toughest part of George Bush's job - convincing Cheney to give better justification in meetings with foreign dignitaries than "Because that's just the f***in' way I want it."

• As a youth, angrily denounced Pol Pot for "just phoning it in, sometimes."

• When Dick Cheney shaves in the morning he has to hold a loaded .44 to his head to keep from cutting his own throat.

• Dick Cheney is so hard, he has a vestigal immune system.

• Dick Cheney made the President and CEO of Lockheed Martin piss his pants at a demonstration flight of the F-22 by saying "this better rock, bitch".

• Dick Cheney used to write childrens' stories under the pen name "H.P. Lovecraft."

• During a 1962 fraternity road trip Cheney attended a donkey show in a Tijuana nightclub. Today, as the "Shrine of the Weeping Burro," it attracts over 3 million pilgrims annually.

• Dick Cheney invented the sport of kitten-stapling, including both the height and span categories.

• Cheney is in a secure bunker in an undisclosed location. Not for his protection, but for ours.

Update: The Bad: "Dick Cheney shot a man in the face while hunting. That man apologized to Cheney from the hospital."


The_Bad said...

Dick Cheney shot a man in the face while hunting. That man apologized to Cheney from the hospital.

directorblue said...


Anonymous said...

Dick Cheney takes candy from babies -- then gives it to diabetic babies.

Donald Sensing said...

When Dick Cheney goes out, he leaves his door unlocked. That's because terrorists and criminals flee inside and lock theirs.

Anonymous said...

I remember that thread. I laughed hard then; I laughed hard this morniing. Thanks!

Karl said...

Probably the best VP - ever.

Thanks for re-posting!