Friday, April 08, 2011

Newsreel 2012

Universal International News, in conjunction with the Obama administration, presents Government Newsreel number 903.

Under cover of darkness, GM's top secret new vehicle -- the 2012 Buick Bureaucrat -- arrives at the New York Auto Show. Powered entirely by green energy sources, this beautiful head-turner hits a top speed of 200 feet per minute. With wind-powered air-conditioning standard, nothing says luxury like a Bureaucrat!

Not to be outdone, Chrysler's luxurious Dodge Deficit offers a unique eight-door design, which means your entire family will arrive in style at the soup kitchen.

Good news at the National Healthcare Service: President Obama has promised to airlift hundreds of doctors from Cuba later this month to address the long lines in hospitals. Government officials have also promised to address a few scattered complaints that undocumented citizens are receiving priority access to health care.

And more positive news on the economic front: the rate of unemployment increases has slowed, moving from 17.1% to 17.4%, a tenth-of-a-percent less than analysts had predicted! Proof positive that QE Nine is working!

As for financing the $45 trillion national debt, great progress this week as leaders from Brazil, Russia, India and China have agreed to meet next month in Beijing. Topic one will be answering President Obama's request to buy $12 trillion in new debt.

Blackouts continue to plague the industrial Northeast as wind production farms have missed their quotas for the third month in a row. The Department of Energy promises to find new green energy sources by 2013 that should help alleviate the troublesome outages.

The velvet cloak of night did not stop President Obama from introducing his new volunteer corp uniforms. The new cadre combines elements of ACORN, Organizing for America,, the SEIU and Americorps into a single, cohesive unit! First job on the list: internal national security to ensure safety for all Americans!

Lastly, a well-deserved comeuppance for hate-speech specialists Michelle Malkin and Glenn Reynolds. The right-wing extremists were convicted last week of 800 counts of inciting hatred and violating FTC blogging rules; their punishment: 20 years in Leavenworth. Hate-mongers beware: expect internal security forces to be knocking on your doors shortly!

Join us next week for more approved news stories, only from Universal International News, the patriotic channel!


Jewish Odysseus said...

An instant classic!

Matt said...

Excellent! I'm glad I came over here. Then again, I await my hate crime charges.