BUMPED. An attractive but inexperienced candidate who can read beautifully from a teleprompter? Can do!
Economy: After eight years of depression, falling real estate prices, and a stagnating stock market, it's time to take our minds off the economic malaise. We need a candidate with a vivacious, flirty attitude and an All-American can-do spirit that can take the reins of Wall Street, ball-gag the investment community, and whip them into a hot, steaming frenzy of money-making ecstasy.
Foreign Affairs: We need to take our minds off the tragic Iranian-Israeli nuclear war that destroyed half the world's oil supply and killed 750 million people. And nothing gets attention at a diplomatic affair like an Oscar de la Renta low-cut dress with sparkles and a slit so high up the thigh that men and women alike get vertigo.
Global Warming: Good News! The nuclear winter brought on by the thermonuclear exchanges between Iran and Israel, Pakistan and India, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, Iran and Saudi Arabia, Iran and Pakistan, China and Tibet and the UAE and Kuwait has completely healed Planet Earth of Global Warming. It has also increased the world's supply of glass five-hundred fold!
Negotiation: There are few tests of diplomatic skills like the ones I've been through. My administration will be the only one tempered in a fiery relationship with Dennis Rodman and molded by David Hasselhoff on the blistering, sandy beaches of Baywatch.
Experience: While some will say my resume is thin, I won't hesitate to point out my six year stint as a honorary Sheriff's Deputy in Beverly Hills; my day-long visit to the Capitol Building in 2011; and 100% completion of a difficult online tutorial entitled Mavis Beacon teaches Government.
Healthcare: Yes, waits for MRI's have now reached 18 months and that's why I've announced a plan to create a United States Department of MRIs! This new government agency is sure to streamline the process of gaining access to these crucial tests and save thousands of lives each year!
Partisanship: While badly outnumbered, I'll admit our counterparts on the right side of the aisle have made things difficult for us Democrats. Sarah Palin's narrow loss to us in 2012 came down to one state. I was biting my nails and thinking we'd lost the election because of Ohio -- until a timely recount turned up 200,000 ACORN registrations that had been suppressed by the Rethuglicans. Thank goodness for this helpful, non-partisan group! All that being said, I promise to bridge the gap between the aisle while making that skanky Sarah Palin look downright dowdy when I wear my sparkly de la Renta dress!
Linked by: Denny. Thanks!