Sunday, November 30, 2008

Where's WalJoe (Biden)?


Joe! What are you doing here?

Dammit, I'm p***ed off, Barack! You sent me on a snipe hunt! Interviewing Bill Clinton and his advisers about the miraculous "Clinton economy"! I should've known better.

Well? What did you find out?

I found out if the GOP-controlled Congress hadn't restrained government spending... and if Tim Bernard Lee hadn't invented the Internets and the Web Browser, there'd have been no "economic miracle".

(Clapping slowly) Braaaaaavo. Well done, Joe.

But that's not all! Now I hear that the wicked witch of the east is gonna get named Secretary of State! Because of her "foreign policy expertise", no less. What's Hillary's foreign policy background -- getting shot at by snipers when deplaning in Bosnia?

Why don't we ask her? Hillary! Can you come into the office, please?

At your service, Barack America!

Hey, hey -- that was a simple misstatement, Mizz Rodham. You found those Rose Law Firm files yet?

Joe, it's time to be patriotic... time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut... and that means shutting your big, fat trap for the good of the president!

Speaking of big and fat, whatever happened to your brother Hugh... you know, the one who got $400 grand for Glenn Braswell's ticket to the Clinton Parade o' Pardons?

I think Hugh and Tony have been building a bunker so that they'll survive the international crisis you promised in the first six months of the Obama administration.

I was thinking Hugh and Tony were helping Mahatma Gandhi run that gas station down in St. Louis!

Why you blithering blowhard with a bad comb-over, I'll jump over this coffee table and go all Matrix on your ass...

Bring it, biznatch! I'll go outside and smoke a cigarette while waiting for your thighs to get airborne --

Now, guys, stop it! Can't we all just get along?

Guys, let me explain. Joe, Hillary brings a certain gravitas and decades of experience.

And Hillary, Joe helped me win this election with his entertaining diversions.

Some call them gaffes.

Whatever. The fact is, Joe, we have big plans. Big plans for you.

Joe, you're going to star in the first reality show based in the halls of power.

What???

It's the first Beltway-based reality show. Think Amazing Race combined with Where's Waldo.

We've worked out a deal with NBC and MSNBC for a simulcast that will track you as you travel around the world...

Wait! You're saying a prime-time network show?

Yep. And you're guaranteed at least 20 minutes of face time on each show.

Wow! When do I start?

Immediately! There's a limo waiting outside to take you to your first makeup session. Filming begins later today! Now get going and don't let the door hit you... I mean, do us proud!

Awright! See you guys later!

(***Slam!***)

You're a freaking genius, Barack. We get the human gaffe machine out of the country for at least an entire season of network TV.

And Olberloon and Tingleboy will make sure any incriminating soundbites end up on the cutting-room floor!

Like I said, you're a frickin' genius.

I know. Care for a glass of chablis?