Want to get rich, but don't have any talent, discipline or energy? My name's Chuck Schumer and I can show you how to become incredibly wealthy and powerful even if you're a complete dumbass like me.
Step one: try never to hold a real job... just keep getting yourself elected, no matter what it takes, until you make it to the U.S. Senate.
Step two: when your political party takes power, invite the powerful Wall Street hedge fund billionaires to a swanky dinner and make a few veiled threats about regulation.
Step three: if your experience is anything like mine, you'll immediately triple your "campaign donations".
Now, here's where the magic happens. Step four: get one of your loyal staffers a job at a powerful Beltway firm. Now she can (1) lobby Congress on behalf of hedge funds, and (2) raise money for you from hedge funds.
Start publicly praising her recruitment by the lobbying firm so she'll get clients immediately. When I used this approach with my staffer, she'd registered seven private equity or hedge fund firms as clients in only a matter of months.
Step five: now threaten a huge overhaul of financial regulations. That'll keep the hedge funds hopping -- and contributing to your campaign, big-time. Check this out: Democrats received nearly $12 million in 2008 alone and I got a nice $20 grand 'contribution' through my ex-staffer!
What do the hedge fund billionaires get? Just take care of 'em with beneficial legislation, letting them snuff out smaller competitors. If the little people get hurt with more Wall Street scams and less transparency, so what? I'm rich, b***hes!
Oh, as an aside, be sure and tune in next week, when I'll show you how to cure baldness with the Do-it-Yourself Hair Plug Kit, the Easy Chuck Schumer Way!
Based upon: Schumer's racket: Lobbyists and hedge funds