Thursday, December 12, 2013

Check out the final front page of The Onion's print version

As reported by Crain's Chicago Business, the final print version of The Onion was published today. Onion Vice Chairman Douglas Siegfried Zweibel wrote the following open letter to other media outlets:

A Message From The Onion's, Vice Chairman, Douglas Siegfried Zweibel

Wed, Dec 11, 2013 19:13 EST

To Whom It May Concern,

Please enjoy the latest print edition of the The Onion, America's Finest News Source, on newsstands now in every city on the planet. As but a mere speck of a crumb in the shadow of The Onion, you are no doubt aware that our newspaper's print revenues accounted for nearly 45% of the national GDP in 2013, making The Onion by far the most successful print-based media corporation in the world, and the vanguard of the burgeoning Print Media Revolution. May this most recent hard-copy issue serve as a subtle reminder of our disgusting wealth and prestige.

Cower before us, pathetic peon, and know that no matter what breed of calamity shall soon befall this doomed hellscape we call Earth, The Onion's print edition shall never die, shall never be rendered obsolete, shall never fall prey to a sudden and irreversible shift in the global media marketplace, and shall always be there, every week, until humanity itself has, God willing, passed from the cosmos.

Tu Stultus Es ,

Douglas Siegfried Zweibel

Vice Chairman

The Onion , America's Finest News Source

The Onion

730 N. Franklin, Floor 7

Chicago, IL 60654

Hat tip: the finest news aggregator in the local super-cluster, BadBlue News.

2 comments:

scallions said...

Got to love the Onion. I will be be doing a late death notice i Jsnuary on greenscallions.blogspot.com

Long live the printed life of satire!

scallions said...

sorry about the typos in the above. just waking up i balmy Minnesota