Sunday, November 04, 2007

Subject: The biggest, baddest plan could dream up


Dear MorOn member,

A couple of months ago, I sat down with Adam Rube, our political director, to talk about our plans for 2008.

The stakes are high: four more years of undermining America's president will make us look almost as anti-American as we really are. So I asked Adam to come up with the biggest, most audacious program he could imagine—a get-out-the-vote machine to ensure that, on Election Day a year from today, no progressive voters are left behind. Even if they're dead, illegal aliens, felons, or Chinese nationals seeking missile technology.

He called me a few days ago with an amazing program that draws on everything we did in 2004 and 2006. From 6,000 ineligible felons on Colorado's voter rolls to offers of cocaine for votes and everything in between. We have six hundred organizers, a series of secret crack-houses, amazing technology, and hundreds of thousands of volunteers (many of whom are real U.S. citizens!). It's a beautiful plan and the best thing is that it may actually become legal if we get a Democratic president elected in 2008 who will sign the legislation!

Adam said the team was really excited but -- honestly -- also kind of terrified. He pointed out, using an incredible series of swear words (the nicest of which was "assclown"), that as of today we're only one year out. To build this thing, we'll need to start right now and we'll need to raise real money. We're talking five million dollars.

Wait. I know what you're going to ask. Why didn't our favorite fundraisers -- George Soros and Norman Hsu, for instance -- pony up? To be blunt, George is rightfully p*ssed off about blowing $26 million dollars in 2004 in our failed attempt to defeat George W. Bush. He said he would "take a rain-check" this time. And Mr. Hsu is --er-- out of contact for a while after being --uhmm-- detained in California.

So, I'm writing you. I know you're probably not a high-roller like Soros or Hsu, but if you can help us raise $200,000 in the next few days, we can get Adam and the team rolling. And the sooner they're rolling, the better the program will be. It means more crack cocaine we can trade for votes. More illegal aliens we can get on the voter rolls. And more devious plans that we can't reveal at this time. Okay, maybe one. Promise not to tell anyone, but Eliot Spitzer's plan to allow illegal aliens to get drivers licenses is really a program to get Hillary votes.

Click here to contribute:

Our programs will help make sure every last progressive voter, living or dead, gets to the polls. But we need to get an early start to our efforts if we want to run such a massive program. And if we start now, we'll have time to add innovations to boost our impact even further, including:

* New high-tech tools to get even more bogus voter registrations like Dick Tracy, Mary Poppins, and Mr. Jive E. Turkey

* Fun and effective crack-house parties to drum up support

* Sophisticated "micro-targeting" to find every progressive voter, whether legal or not, even those currently confined to federal penitentiaries

* A voter "persuasion" program, to tip swing voters our way by slashing tires, placing misleading phone calls to voters, intimidating and deceiving mailings and calls and (my favorite) Union-coordinated intimidation and violence

* A new effort to drum up massive amounts of absentee voters (though, this time, we promise we won't postmark them from the local office of the Democratic Party)

Here's the thing: If we're going to make ambitious plans to win, we need to know we'll have the funds to make them happen. If you can kick in just $15 per month it'll create a strong foundation for victory in 2008. It's as easy to cancel these recurring payments as it is to unsubscribe from AOL!

Click here to contribute:

A year before the 2004 and 2006 elections we hadn't even begun planning our election efforts. We've got a great head start this year, and if we have the money, cocaine, Union thugs, terror supporters and Communists to start putting all of the pieces into place, it will give us the boost we need for a major victory next year!

Thanks for all you do.

–Eli, Karl, Noam, Cindy, John Huang, and the entire Political Action Team

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