Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dear Ayman...

Several months ago, Al Qaeda's #2 lamb-lover Ayman Zawahiri promised to answer a series of questions posed over the Internet. At last report, over 1,000 questions had been submitted to an Al Qaeda website. In another exclusive, our intrepid Cub Reporter Biff Spackle gained access to the secret database of questions that Zawie has yet to answer. Some of the more interesting questions follow:

Dear Dr. Zawahiri:

Can you please tell the world that American intelligence operatives tried to illegally poison your goldfish, so you can get the CIA off my back?

Best Wishes, Nancy P., SF, CA

* * *

Dear Dr. Z,

Have you ever considered writing for a wonderful centrist blog? I think your personality, wit, charm and intelligence would be a phenomenal addition to one particular site I have in mind.

Ta ta, A. Huffington, LA, CA

* * *

Dear Mr. Ayman,

I say that waterboarding is torture, but my GOP colleagues tell me that your man-made disaster-causers use blowtorches, pliers, acid, and electric cables on your victims. Is that true and, if so, do you think any of those things are as bad as waterboarding?

Sincerely, Mr. C. Schumer, New York

* * *

Dear Dr. Qaeda,

Can you guys do something really, really crazy to get me out of the headlines for a while? I mean, pick up the slack you frickin' cave-dweller!

TIA, M. Ahmedinejad, Tehran

* * *

Dear Mr. Doctor Zawahiri,

If your group happens to gain access to a nuclear weapon and detonate it in a western country, would you be so kind as to purchase some carbon offsets to make up for any thermonuclear warming that might endanger our snowcaps? Please visit PimpMyOffsets.com or call +1-888-555-GORE, toll-free, for more information. Thanks for your support in helping keep the world a greener place,

A. Gore, Belle Meade, TN

* * *

Dear Dr. Zawahiri,

How can I help?

Sincerely, Keith O., NYC

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