Friday, March 09, 2012

California to Texas Translation Guide

R. F.:

Due to the large number of jobs moving from California to Texas, the Lone Star State has compiled a "Californian to Texan" translation guide.

CALIFORNIA TEXAS
Arsenal of Weapons Gun Collection
Delicate Wetlands Swamp
Undocumented Worker Illegal Alien
Cruelty-Free Materials Synthetic Fiber
Assault and Battery Attitude Adjustment
Heavily Armed Well-protected
Narrow-minded Righteous
Taxes or Your Fair Share Coerced Theft
Commonsense Gun Control Gun Confiscation Plot
Illegal Hazardous Explosives Fireworks for Stump Removal
Nonviable Tissue Mass Unborn Baby
Equal Access to Opportunity Socialism
Multicultural Community High Crime Area
Fairness or Social Progress Marxism
Upper Class or "The Rich " Self-Employed
Progressive, Change Big Government Scheme
Homeless or Disadvantaged Bums or Welfare Leeches
Sniper Rifle Scoped Deer Rifle
Investment For the Future Higher Taxes
Healthcare Reform Socialized Medicine
Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater Conservative
Truants Homeschoolers
Victim or Oppressed Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing
High Capacity Magazine Standard Capacity Magazine
Religious Zealot Church-going
Reintroduced Wolves Sheep and Deer Killers
Fair Trade Coffee Overpriced Yuppie Coffee
Exploiters or "The Rich " Employed or Land Owner
The Gun Lobby NRA Members
Assault Weapon Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)
Fiscal Stimulus New Taxes and Higher Taxes
Same Sex Marriage Legalized Perversion
Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your info is awesome, baby.

Amy said...

Here's one more thought from Texas:
Liberals from California - We don't want you here!
For that matter liberals from anywhere, stay wher you are. We don't want or need you in TX.

Anonymous said...

Was born and raised in California. I lived in Texas for about 7 years when I was in my 20's. I hated the place. No I loathe California and cannot wait to get back to Texas. Who would a thunk?

Tired of the rat race of CA and looking ahead to some peace and quiet in a nice small town in Texas!!!!

We are not all crazy liberals here. The saying here is that it is the salt water. The further that you get from the coast the more intelligence there is in this state.

scott said...

Cali "Under-resourced"
Texas "Bum"

Anonymous said...

In the interest of fostering inter-partisan dialogue, allow me to explain how a liberal, ivy league educated northeastern Yankee interprets what these translations to mean about the translator.

You illiterate, inbred, redneck pieces of shit:

CALIFORNIA TEXAS YANKEE HEARS
Arsenal of Weapons Gun Collection I wish we had won the Civil War!
Delicate Wetlands Swamp I lack even the slightest understanding of ecology or land management, which is odd given that I am probably a rancher.
Undocumented Worker Illegal Alien I wsh these Spics would go back to Mexico, same as the Blacks, Jews, Irish, Italians, Polish, pretty much all the Catholics, the Carpetbaggers... if we wanted to be Mexicans we wouldn't have seceded when those bastard Spics tried to emancipate our slaves!
Cruelty-Free Materials Synthetic Fiber Did you know the Bible explicitly prohibits Cotton/Polyesther meshes? And crop rotation, actually. Good thing I believe in the Epistle to the Hebrews. (Which says Jesus was never incarnate on Earth.)
Assault and Battery Attitude Adjustment I'm a big tough guy, yessirree! I don't need my guns I just smack uppitty negroes around with my erect penis!
Heavily Armed Well-protected Paranoid.
Narrow-minded Righteous Selective about what portions of my Judeo-Christian Heritage I get worked up about.
Taxes or Your Fair Share Coerced Theft UNLESS those taxes are paying for my farm subsidies.
Commonsense Gun Control Gun Confiscation Plot I LOVE my guns, no I LITERALLY LOVE my guns. It's a good thing my penis is actually small enough to fit in the barrel.
Illegal Hazardous Explosives Fireworks for Stump Removal I'm also too lazy to use the towing capacity of the tractor or pickup truck that I undoubtedly own.
Nonviable Tissue Mass Unborn Baby I pay no child support to the mothers of my bastard children. (Who are probably all black anyway.)
Equal Access to Opportunity Socialism I likes it that them niggers are poor!
Multicultural Community High Crime Area I'm not aware that every Red State has a higher per capita crime rate than any given Blue State. (Especially Texas.)
Fairness or Social Progress Marxism Did I mention that if God meant niggers not to be poor he would have made them white?

Gleefully continued below...

Anonymous said...

...From above

Upper Class or "The Rich " Self-Employed Not only did I not attend a prep school, I have no idea what a stock or a bond is, do not earn any dividends or meaningful interest income, and if I am in fact a farmer, am probably mortgaged up to the eyeballs on my farm.
Progressive, Change Big Government Scheme Just don't get your big government hands on my farm subsidies or Medicare there Yankee! (I'm also still bitter that you damned Yankees refused to obey the Big Government Fugitive Slave Act.)
Homeless or Disadvantaged Bums or Welfare Leeches I'm separated from these people only by mild good fortune and an inferior education system.
Sniper Rifle Scoped Deer Rifle I'm pretty generally too drunk to sight properly without a scope while hunting.
Investment For the Future Higher Taxes Since I don't drive on paved roads, drink well water and produce static electricity from my own body hair, I understandably don't know what an actual government investment would look like.
Healthcare Reform Socialized Medicine I will be genuinely surprised to find out how much I have to pay for grandma's dialysis if the GOP is ever successful in repealing Medicare.
Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater Conservative Southerner
Truants Homeschoolers If there was any doubt in my listeners that I was a half educated buffoon, this ought to dispel it.
Victim or Oppressed Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing Unless we're talking about victimized Southern Males trampled down under Reconstruction and the Civil Rights movement, THEY were oppressed victims.
High Capacity Magazine Standard Capacity Magazine I have never actually shot at or been shot at by another human being. Doing so would almost certainly make me cry like a 12 year old girl.
Religious Zealot Church-going I would be shocked to learn that Jesus was Jewish.
Reintroduced Wolves Sheep and Deer Killers I apparently also don't have a pestilence of deer eating anything I try and plant on my property.
Fair Trade Coffee Overpriced Yuppie Coffee However if we're talking about Free Trade with the damned Spics, jack those tariffs right on up!
Exploiters or "The Rich " Employed or Land Owner I have certainly never looked at the pre-1981 tax brackets, nor am I aware that we got by just fine with a 91% top bracket income tax rate throughout the 1940s and 1950s, nor have I ever had any Capital Gains to tax, nor Dividend income, nor will I ever enjoy an inheritance remotely high enough to warrant an estate tax. In actual fact, I probably pay more in total taxes because of Sales Taxes and Property Taxes and Fees than my California equivalent because of the moronic Proposition 13. I'm blissfully unaware of this of course.
The Gun Lobby NRA Members Gotta watch them Government Agents. I sure am important enough to warrant their trying to arrest me! Any time now...
Assault Weapon Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine) I sure do like to shoot at inanimate objects and unsuspecting animals but I'm always too drunk to pull off one-shot-one-kill, so I need the automatic waepon spread to be sure of actually hitting something.
Fiscal Stimulus New Taxes and Higher Taxes Not only do I no understand what Socialism and Marxism actually are, but I don't even realize that Keynesian Fiscal Stimulus entails deficit spending, in other words increasing federal spending WITHOUT increasing taxes to match.
Same Sex Marriage Legalized Perversion I will probably go and fuck my sister or cousin after finishing this list. Or, more likely, my brother.
Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs Not only am I against energy independance and for global warming, I LIKE having to pay a higher electricity bill.

Anonymous said...

Wow, is that what a $50,000/yr ivy league education gets you these days? Kinda makes the trillion dollar Obama stimulus look like a sound investment by comparison.

I'm sure the kid's parents will be thrilled to know that the small mortgage they dropped on his education turned him into Louis Farrakhan, Jeremiah Wright and Bob Byrd all rolled up into one. Then again, if the confounding and infuriating thought of people fleeing liberal wastelands for greener pastures in red states isn't enough to drive some elitist moron to unravel into a fit of racial epithets, I suppose nothing will.

adh said...

Dear Anonymous Ivy-Leaguer: You don't know much about Texans, do ya? We'd rather have Mexican Illegals than California Trust-Fund Babies! The Illegals may not pay taxes, but at least they actually WORK for a living! As for all the rest of the ethnicities you named... DUMBASS, Texas IS Black, Jewish, Irish, Italian, Polish, etc. Don't forget Czech, Scots, Welsh, Native American, MEXICAN, Russian, French, Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean. Do you honestly believe we're all English or German?!? Most of us can't point to a single ethnicity we belong to -- we, the people of Texas (though maybe not the politicians) are the poster children of Diversity! Besides... if we ran off all the Mexicans, what in the world would we EAT?!? Nope, as long as Tamales are a Christmas tradition in Texas, we may bitch and moan and whine about illegal immigrants, but we'll keep employing them. Yes, the tamales are TOTALLY worth it (and they're a bitch to learn to make yourself)! :D

Anonymous said...

In short...all Texans just like to think on their own. Unlike you sheeple. Ya'll come back now. Hear?