Saturday, April 11, 2009

Al Gore's 4th Annual Carbon-Offset Going-out-of-Business Sale

Ha. Mah name is Al Gore. You've heard me talk before about the dangers of global warming.

Put simply, humans are heating up our atmosphere with deadly Carbon Dioxide. While some blame cow poots and others point to solar storms or volcanoes, I know for a fact that the Chevy Impala behind me -- and millions of vehicles like it -- are solely, completely responsible for warming the Earth.

Scientists tell us that over the next five years, sea levels will rise by as much as three hundred feet.

When that happens, millions of folks like you and me will have to leave our Malibu beach homes and our Manhattan penthouses. We'll have to migrate to the Midwest. You heard me right. You'll have to immigrate to... ... ... Red states. No tofu. No pet spas. And lots of pickup trucks and guns. Oh, the humanity.

Look at the glaciers behind me! Never, in the history of the world, have glaciers melted before. Never! Not even after the last ice age!

And, within the next five years, the entire world will be a barren desert reminiscent of Barack Obama's defense budget. Uhm, except for the parts that are completely underwater. Which will also be... uh... a lot.

And anyone who says otherwise is an unscientific crackpot that should be... slaughtered like a baby seal --er-- I mean like a money-grubbing, American capitalist.

Scientists have also proven that humans caused Hurricanes Katrina and Rita to explode out of the gulf with a fury never seen before, not even in Galveston, Texas.

But there's a way you can make a difference.

We've found a way that you can pollute all you want.

Yep, you heard me right. Pollute all you want.

With our amazing new product, Carbon Offsets™, you can pollute ecologically and without any guilt!

How do Carbon Offsets™ work? Say you fly cross-country. Just buy $66 worth of Carbon Offsets™ to make up for your flight!

We'll plant some trees and bushes and s**t. This will compensate for all of that toxic carbon dioxide you're expelling.

Hey! Wipe that skeptical look off your face!

What's it gonna take to get you into some Carbon Offsets™ today?

Just call 1-800-CARBON or surf to now and tell 'em Al sentcha.

Remember, pollute all you want, just so long as you make amends with Carbon Offsets™! It's the green way to spew emissions!

Do not consume carbon offsets with alcohol. If carbon offsets result in an erection lasting more than four hours, please seek immediate medical attention. Carbon offsets have not been approved for use as a topical ointment, nor to treat flatulence. Excessive use of carbon offsets has been linked to a syndrome known as Moonbattery.

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