Monday, April 27, 2009
New government entitlement program addresses universal health care and immigration
Cub Reporter Biff Spackle secured a draft of the speech President Obama will deliver on Wednesday...
I'm Barack Obama and thank you for watching my forty-second prime time broadcast over the course of my young administration. Tonight I'll be discussing two issues important to all Americans: Universal Health Care and immigration.
I'll be frank: when we say that 47 million Americans don't have health care, we're including a sizable chunk of undocumented immigrants -- you may know them by the term "illegal aliens".
Ever since the era of Lyndon Baines Johnson, we Democrats have promoted open borders, amnesty for illegals, chain migration and a path to citizenship for anyone who enters the country.
And the Reds beat the Braves, 9-3 behind a complete game from -- dammit, Rahm, my teleprompter is picking up ESPN again!
Uh, ehm, with Mexico's government crumbling under the twin weights of a global economic meltdown and brutal drug cartels, the President of Mexico -- Vicente Fox -- and I have come up with a simple, but effective, plan.
It combines universal health care, an open border with Mexico and a "superhighway to citizenship" for anyone entering the country.
Because of this policy, there will be no need for politically incorrect designations like "illegal aliens", because anyone entering the country can automatically become a citizen of the United States and Mexico.
So instead of the loaded term "illegal aliens", we'll simply call them "Democrats".
Chew on that, Karl Rove!
Best of all, everyone in the United States and Mexico will get the same free, high quality health care. Partying in Cancun and catch the Swine Flu? No problemo, mi amigo!
Visiting your relatives in San Antonio and sprain your ankle? Simply walk into any convenient Social Security Office or Bureau of Motor Vehicles location, take a number, and enjoy the free Muzak and complimentary General Motors Magazines while you wait.
We call this tremendous new program: Mexicare.
Mexicare combines all of the benefits of open borders with a multi-country health care system second to none.
Now to pay for this, I am sorry to report that the massive tax cut for 95% of Americans that we recently implemented will have to be dismantled. Along with that, we will be making a few, minor changes to the tax code. So minor, in fact, you will hardly notice them.
* Under the new tax code, your refund check goes directly to ACORN.
* For a vacation to Mexico to count as a business trip, you must return with 100 or more pounds of government-grade marijuana.
* Attorney General Eric Holder gets to write off the entire United States Constitution.
* I can claim my teleprompter as a dependent.
* Finally, all registered Democrats will get a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.
I'm sure you have a lot of questions about this tremendous new program. So we've set up a website to explain your benefits at mexicare.gov and, in español, mexicare.mx. Happily, both sites accept donations for my 2012 campaign.
We'll soon be enjoying the same wonderful care that our veterans receive at the VA thanks to the leadership of Congress. I'd like to personally thank Nancy Pelos, Harry Reid, Christopher Dodd, Barney Frank, Charlie Rangel and Diane Feinstein who rammed this through using an arcane procedural loophole without debate, transparency or discussion!
Best of all, Mexicare will have the same firm economic foundation enjoyed by Medicare and Medicaid!
So bless you my friends, and may the Lord keep you safe from harm. You'll need it.