You're such a Naiman!

Robert Naiman unintentionally produced the funniest April Fools Day story of the year. Unfortunately, it was published at The Huffington Post on Monday and it was supposed to be a real opinion piece. And it's funnier than delivering an atomic wedgie to a Mullah.

I would love to put Naiman on the streets of Tehran for an afternoon. Not to see that he gets hurt, of course, but as a simple experiment. I would call it Reality confronts naivete. It would get ugly and, if he survived, he'd come back with an IQ at least 35 points higher. But I digress. Naiman's story at PuffHO asserted that only his twelve-step program could heal U.S. relations with Iran. Hush! Let's listen in:

• Establish a US interests section in Tehran. - That worked out well for our hostages -- oops, I mean our Embassy officials -- after the fall of the Shah. It took 444 days and the election of a President with a spine to secure their release. And there are at least three Americans who are currently missing in Iran.

Tell you what, Naiman: I nominate you to head up that section. And I promise to lend my full support. I'll even put up a free banner ad on my blog for you.

• Guarantee multiple entry or expedited re-entry visas for Iranian students and scholars - Cunning! Steven Salinsky, writing in The New York Sun, reports that DHS already has its hands full monitoring all of the Iranians who appear to be performing reconnaissance for terrorist attacks here in the U.S.:

It was reported that America expelled two Iranian security guards employed by Tehran’s U.N. offices on June 29, after the mission was repeatedly warned against allowing its guards to videotape bridges, the Statue of Liberty, and New York’s subway system. This was the third time the Iranians have been caught in such activities, which could be connected to the sites mentioned in potential plans to attack America.

Naiman also had this delightful brainstorm:

• While we're at it, we could authorize direct airline flights between Tehran and New York.

I am not making this stuff up. Flights from Iran to New York with hundreds of passengers cheering "Death to America!" It's the super-happy-fun-terror charter!

• Acknowledge Past Misdeeds - In other words: apologize, appease and simper. I just have two questions: do Democrats understand how laughably pathetic that makes them look, year after year? And: do they really think that looking weak will -- for the first time in history -- inspire a round of Kumbaya, group hugs and free unicorn rides... thereby bringing peace?

• Demonstrate U.S. Innocence of Iranian Accusations ("The belief is widespread among Iranians that the U.S. instigated Saddam Hussein to invade Iran in 1980. If it's not true, let's show that it's not true. Perhaps Jimmy Carter, who was President at the time, could put this matter to rest."): Consider -- Jimmy Carter, who couldn't convince Iran to release our hostages after it invaded our sovereign territory, will now convince Iran we're "innocent" of all charges. He's convincing, that Carter!

• Affirm no U.S. policy of "regime change" - and they'll believe it! Because Robert Naiman said so!

• Affirm that Iran has the right to the peaceful enrichment of uranium - Okay... we'll give 'em uranium. And we'll let 'em fly planes straight to New York City. I really can't see how that strategy could go wrong.

• Affirm that the US has no problem with Hamas or Hizbullah if they become nonviolent political parties. - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!! This has gotta be some of the best satire I've ever read! It's gold, Jerry, pure gold!

• ...our leaders look silly in the Middle East when they accuse Iran of "supporting terror," when it's obvious to Middle Eastern publics that the practical definition of "terror" in this context is "people we don't like." Obviously, it's tautologically true that Iran "supports terror," since it "supports" Hamas and Hizbullah and we've issued fatwas that these are terrorist groups. But the same logic would make Pakistan, the United States, Israel and Colombia "state sponsors of terror." The description is arguably accurate in each case, but it's no way to begin a conversation.

Naiman -- you're starting to bore me. The old moral equivalence play. It's tired, it's stupid and it's been debunked by every great philosopher throughout history.

You're saying that Iran -- which hangs homosexuals, flogs women for displaying their hair, and promotes suicide bombing of civilians throughout the world -- is morally equivalent to the country that defeated Nazism, Communism, Baathism and slavery, thereby freeing hundreds of millions of people to pursue their dreams.

Yeah. Those countries sound equivalent.

Hey! I've got a new word for an ignorant, uneducated putz: a "Naiman".

Yep, he's a real Naiman, alright.