Thursday, October 08, 2009

Al Gore's 4th Annual Carbon-Offset Going-out-of-Business Sale!

Ha. Mah name is Al Gore. You've heard me talk before about the dangers of global warming.

Put simply, humans have destroyed the Earth. While some blame cow toots and others point to solar storms, I know for a fact that the Chevy Impala behind me -- and millions of vehicles like it -- are solely, completely responsible for warming the Earth.

Scientists tell us that over the next five years, sea levels will rise by as much as three hundred feet.

When that happens, millions of folks like you and me will have to leave their Malibu beach homes and migrate to the Midwest. Yes. They'll have to immigrate to... ... ... Red states. No tofu. No pet spas. And lots of pickup trucks with gun racks. Oh, the humanity.

And look at the glaciers behind me. Never, in the history of the world, have glaciers melted before. Never! Not even after the last ice age!

And, within the next five years, the entire world will be a barren desert reminiscent of Barack Obama's college transcripts. Uhm, except for the parts that are completely underwater. Which will also be... ...a lot.

And anyone who says otherwise is an unscientific crackpot that should be... slaughtered like a baby seal --er-- I mean like a money-grubbing, capitalist.

Scientists have also proven that humans caused Hurricane Katrina to explode out of the gulf with a fury never seen before, not even in Galveston, Texas.

But there's a way you can stop all this madness.

We've found a way that you can pollute all you want.

Yep, you heard me right. Pollute all you want.

With our amazing new product, Carbon Offsets™, you can pollute guilt-free!

How do they work? Say you fly cross-country. Just buy $66 worth of Carbon Offsets™ to make up for your flight!

We'll plant some trees and bushes and s***. So don't worry about it! We'll make up for all of that awful carbon dioxide you're expelling.

Wipe that skeptical look off your face!

What's it gonna take to get you into some Carbon Offsets™ today?

Just call 1-800-CARBON or surf to now!

Remember, pollute all you want, just so long as you make amends with Carbon Offsets™! It's the feel-good way to spew emissions!

If carbon offsets result in an erection lasting more than four hours, please contact Generation Investment Management.

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