Exclusive: Official ACORN Employment Application

Dumpster-diving pays off again for Junior Cub Reporter Biff Spackle.

Full-name:
Please enter your real name, you will have an opportunity to make up names later

Do you have access to a car or other vehicle?
Yes
No
Don't know/don't remember

If No, do you know how to hot-wire an ignition?
Yes
No

If Yes, how many homeless vagrants or illegal aliens can you transport?
0-1 Coupe
2-4 Sedan
5-7 Minivan
9-11 Conversion van
12-99 Schoolbus
100-199 Semi with empty trailer

Do you know any dead people?
No
Yes

If you had to make up names of people for some reason, which method would you use?
Dead people
Disney characters
Members of the Dallas Cowboys/NFL team
Cast of Beverly Hills 90210
Cast of Star Trek
Superheroes like "Batman" or "Underdog"
Other cartoon characters like "Tin Tin" or "Jonny Quest"
Names of cheap beers, malt liquors and wines
Series of random letters like "Aasdfasdf Aasdfasfs"

Please check any relevant experience?
Intimidating bank employees
Mortgage fraud
Prostitution
Child Prostitution, Slavery
Illegal Immigration, Human Smuggling
Slashing Tires, Assault, Battery
Arson
Breaking and Entering
Mail or Wire fraud
Rating subprime debt tranches "AAA"

How would you prefer to be paid?
Cash
Check
Cigs
Cigs (menthol)
Beers/malt liquors (cans)
Beers/malt liquors (bottles)
Wine, wine spritzers (specify red, white or gray)
Crack cocaine
Cans of mackerel

When can you start work?
Now
Tomorrow after 3pm

If tomorrow, do you need written directions to remember how to return here?
Yes
Maybe

Hat tips: Leo Alberti (Obamacorn logo), Michelle Malkin and Larwyn.