Monday, June 20, 2011

Obama Campaign to Unveil Adorable, Fuzzy Mascot to Distract Voters From President's Unblemished Record of Economic, Foreign Policy Failures

Washington (DRNS) - Citing concerns over its disastrous poll numbers, the Obama 2012 Reelection Campaign today unveiled Failosaurus, its new mascot designed to appeal to liberals and children.

"Our hope is that we can really pump up turnout with 'Failie'," said Obama Senior Campaign Adviser David Axelrod, "that's what our focus groups told us: everyone has failures in their past, and this president is no different."

"Look at that insurance company's duck. It's a f***ing duck! It increased sales like a gazillion percent for them. And how about those cavemen? You're telling me a cute, fuzzy mascot won't swing voters to Democrats, no matter how f***ed up the economy is?"

The Democrat National Committee and George Soros helped fund the mascot design effort, along with laundered taxpayer dollars through the SEIU. The Senate majority leader also played a key role in the focus groups that approved the new mascot.

"Harry Reid, who is a true creative genius, really helped us craft the approach," said Axelrod, "We could tell when 'Failie' danced into the room that we had a winner. Harry was clapping and laughing and squealing like a little girl as the mascot launched into a series of Party anthems including F*** the Constitution, the Soviet National Anthem (Гимн Советского Союза) and Democrats über alles."

"Look, anyone with an ounce of sense knows that we've f***ed America up beyond recognition. We had a Stimulus program that destroyed our balance sheet... we passed a 'health care reform' bill that stole half-a-trillion from Medicare and bankrupted Medicaid... and we passed a 'financial reform' bill that didn't address Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. Plus, as an added bonus, we started a 'war of choice' in Libya. Best of all, we did everything against the direct will of the people! So we thought: hey, it's time for a mascot!"

Axelrod explained that, given the infantile thought processes of the left, Democrat pollsters were predicting that turnout among progressives would increase roughly 3.9% with a marketing campaign heavy on 'Failie' and light on the facts.

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